I used to schedule my day but couldn’t stick to it not because my goals were unattainable but I did not want to achieve them, I did not feel like taking the first step in their direction and because of this I always found myself lost in a dark forest with absolutely not a single ray of hope and no idea how to get out of there. Most of the activities were merely for 10-minutes yet I couldn’t focus on them. In the past I have been to a clinical psychologist but just after one session, I stopped going there as it made me uncomfortable. Even there I couldn’t articulate things properly. I do have good friends whom I can trust for almost anything but despite that I was unable to express my feelings to them. There has been time when I dialled my friends to express myself and the way I felt in that moment but could barely say anything except that I felt pathetic. Until now what I thought was one of the greatest events of life was also one of the most destructive ones. I used to be a happy-go-lucky girl who was super comfortable alone, enjoyed her own company and would opt for solitude from time to time, but now I was scared to death to be left alone- I needed people to talk to, I would do anything to keep myself indulged and prevent overthinking. But just one thought had the potential to worsen my entire day, so leave overthinking aside, my own thought process was eating me up in a disastrous way. I felt mentally and physically drained all the time. I worried about insignificant things. There were moments when in public I was on the verge of crying, but I did not shed a single tear because of the stigma, what people will say and not to ignore the fact that I have been labelled once as stupid because I cried. I had built a boundary from where negative thoughts were unescapable while a single positive vibe had tough luck penetrating into it.
Finally, after months of crying, grumbling, self-loathing, I decided to seek help and I am really grateful that I made that effort though it undoubtedly was again uncomfortable to let my emotions, fears, desires out but I had had enough and all I wanted was for once to vent and scream at the top of my lungs- I had been bottling up things for very long so just for once I had this profound desire to let everything out and I did that. While talking to my therapist I felt important, valued and I had reasons enough to be grateful for, to be happy for.
By not talking about the way felt I was drowning myself into the ocean of negativity. A single step made me change my perspective. I wouldn’t say it happened overnight, it certainly took weeks and little efforts to not overthink. To exemplify the above statement about how my perception changed I would like to say that before asking for help all I did was write up everything that was wrong in my life as well as in the world but later on I started writing about things I was grateful for even if it was just one.
And yes to my fears I would love to say that you cannot stop me as I have read somewhere FEAR means ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’.
