ASHTON PAIGE KIMBALL • FEMALE • 36• ROCKWALL
As a child and young adult, I was outgoing and a high achiever. I had instances of childhood neglect and trauma early on.
My first experience with mental health came in high school. I started having stomach pains that the doctors couldn’t diagnose – even after exploratory surgery taking my appendix out and a nearly 6-week stay in the hospital. Eventually, I was diagnosed with abdominal migraines and given antidepressants like Zoloft and Paxil, which I didn’t take.
My senior year in high school, I was very depressed. Then I went to college at the University of Texas, after graduating Salutatorian from High School. I did well in school. But my sophomore year I started having chest pain all the time and went to the doctor to ask for an EKG. I ended up being diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
All of a sudden, I would think I was dying and even called 911 once due to this. I was also prescribed Cymbalta, Lexapro, and Xanax during this period. Eventually, I took medication, got better, and stopped taking medication.
In my early to mid-20s, the panic disorder came back again with severe panic attacks, and I started Lexapro again. Then I got better.
Then came 2016 – I was 29 and one month post-partum from my second child. In 2010, my grandmother died from a stroke, and in 2011 my other grandmother died slowly from breast cancer in hospice – I helped take care of them both during that time. Then in 2012, I got a call that my mom had committed suicide when I was 9 weeks pregnant.
My mother lived with severe depression and bipolar disorder my whole life… With intermittent, short-lived periods of wellness. But her periods of sickness led to evictions, no money or lunch money at times, running out of gas, cold showers for me for a year because of no hot water, and even buying gallons of water to flush the toilet because of no running water. There were times when there were tons of maggots in our kitchen from unwashed dishes…
I had always worried someday she would succumb to her mental illness, especially after being prescribed and getting addicted to Oxycontin after she had a jaw tumor when I was about 18. Three months after she died, they said they found no proof she had committed suicide, but said she was ill and did have the presence of many prescriptions in her system at the time and had a heart attack. She was 45.
But I had my first child…excelled at work..and life kept moving. Then, when I was 29, I got word my cousin who was a meth-addict had died… And the same weekend, my best friend’s mom died of lung cancer. I traveled home, just me and my 3-year-old daughter, to go to my friend’s mom’s memorial service. On the way back, August 7, 2016, music started seeming like it was speaking to me, and I thought maybe I was an Angel…
Then, from the backseat, I heard my 3-year-old say, “The water is all connected like that flows through the pipes and comes out in the bathtub. Do you know what’s not connected? The trees. You need to cut down the trees and get the ants out, one by one, like with tweezers.” I thought God was speaking through her. Another time she told me she was the bread that came from heaven, another time that God makes us from the sunsets… I read a lot into all of this. I became obsessed with books, religion, connections, and meanings. I thought there were hidden messages in everything – books, emails, songs, radio commercials…
Eventually, I left my husband, took my daughter, and moved in with an old friend that I felt could understand what all I was going through… But my mental health continued to deteriorate. Soon, I was reading messages on license plates. Each combination of letters meant something different, sometimes I was in trouble or on the right track.
Then, the nightlight in our house meant something depending on the color flashing. Then, I started to get tingles in my arms – if the left side, it meant one thing, and if the right arm, it meant to do something else. I thought God was preparing me and putting me on a mission. I had another baby, then we moved back to my hometown. Then it got even worse.
I thought my ex-husband was molesting our daughter. I then thought my current boyfriend was as well and even took my daughter to the hospital and therapy to get a rape test. As things progressed, it got worse and worse… Until early March 2021, I took pills and tried to kill myself. I was then told I had to go to a mental hospital.
During the hospital stay, my roommate told me about her dad raping her and her sister. Another patient had cut his neck to escape his gang killing him first… It was a nightmare. I left the hospital, and the next week, my boyfriend had to go out of town for work. I broke it off with him – for months already, I was convinced he was cheating on me with my sister and trying to kill me. I thought he was poisoning my water and cigarettes. I thought I was being followed all the time.
Then, in early April 2021, I split apart. I thought he was sleeping with my stepmom, I thought our neighbors and the local police were all in on a conspiracy. I thought I was about to be murdered. I rapidly took my 2-year-old daughter away, even without a car seat in fear of our lives, and started driving. While driving, I was convinced the people in each car were molesters or gang members and deserved to be dealt with. I yelled at them and screamed while driving, I would try to hit them with my car. I urinated on myself during this drive without realizing it. Finally, I ran a red light and hit another car forcefully. My daughter and I were lucky to be alive, much less, barely hurt.
Then the ambulance arrived along with the police. I remember a policeman telling me another officer wasn’t a policeman. I got scared. Then they started to arrest me. I got really scared and clung to his leg and begged him not to do it. Then two officers forcefully lifted me only by the cuffs to where they dug hard into my wrists and I told them I would get in the police car now. They took me to jail where I begged for a blood test to prove I was being poisoned. I told one officer the police weren’t real.
They put me in a suit where I couldn’t hurt myself and I was practically naked in it. Then they led me way down to an isolated area and I thought they were going to kill me when they put me in the isolation cell. There, I cried endlessly. Worried for my daughter and terrified of what was happening. I thought I had been in there for days and learned it had only been about a day at the time. I was so scared.
Then, I thought I would get out, but they said I had to stay because people had to come to talk to me about CPS taking my kids away and MMR making sure I wasn’t a harm to myself or others… Eventually, my dad and brother picked me up. I thought I was going into the witness protection program.
Later that day, I went to my aunt’s house. I still was terrified of everything and everyone… One day, I told my doctor about all the signs I had been seeing and everything I had been thinking and feeling for the past nearly five years. At that time, I was put on Abilify in addition to Effexor. After only a few days, the paranoia got better. My combative behavior and fears improved dramatically.
By May 2017, I got a job… And I got access to my kids again. Today, I have been at the same job since then and am now the Marketing Director. My husband and I are doing well. My kids are doing well. I haven’t been symptomatic once since I started Abilify. The delusions, paranoia, anxiety, depression. It’s all much better.
I now take 5 mg. Abilify daily, 225 mg. Of Effexor daily, and 60 mg. Of Adderall daily for ADHD. I sometimes use 10 mg. Of Zaleplon when I can’t sleep. I have had insomnia practically my whole life. I still haven’t received a definitive diagnosis. Schizophrenia and Psychotic Depression have all been mentioned… I believe I had Schizophrenia… In addition to my Panic and Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Depression, and perhaps, even Bipolar disorder like my mom.
I didn’t think there was any hope. Now my life looks dramatically different. We went from no money and dealing with major issues surrounding me and my health to now making $250,000 a year together, living in a beautiful home, driving nice cars, with jobs and people and friends we love, and a deep shared love we have for each other, and three beautiful children who make my world go round.
So… There is hope… I promise you. This is why I’m writing this. I want to share my story, help others through it, and tell you – there is a light on the other side. A beautiful one.
