How do I start my story? Let me explain it to you from the roots. One day I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed when suddenly I got a follow request from a guy named Ajay. I checked it and found out that it was a known face. He was one of my classmate’s friends. Well I accepted his follow request because we had many mutual friends. Then one day he texted me “hey” and well that was the beginning of our friendship. As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months we got closer. I was dating a guy at that time but we broke up due to our personal problems. But Ajay was always there for me. He used to console me and help me fight with my problems. He was a sweetheart. But things started getting complicated when he started having feelings for me. I don’t exactly remember how it happened but as far as I remember he simply confessed it to me. He told me that he started catching feelings for me after I broke up with my ex. So where was I? Yes, it got complicated and he said that it would be better if we both maintained some distance because he didn’t want to hurt himself. His absence was something that I had never predicted. We used to talk but it was very casual just like a simple hello and that’s it. One fine day I realised that I too was catching feelings for him. I didn’t know how I should deal with it but everything happens for the best. A few months back he went to a party where a girl was trying to hit on him. When I came to know about it I was so angry that I called him up and said “I want to be with you”. Well I guess you would think that I was explaining a happy ending story. But that was not all.
After a few months things started getting worse. He started changing and the changes were quite unpredictable. He became a control freak who was always trying to control my every move. He used to tell me that he was doing everything for my own good but I didn’t like it. I always convinced myself that controlling behaviour happens in a relationship and it is normal but deep down I was drowning. And also whenever we had a fight instead of solving it he used to leave the relationship. We were both different individuals. He was organised and rigid and on the other hand I was flexible and a chaos. We both were different in almost every aspect. I liked to party and he liked to stay home. We all are individually different and that’s what I always knew. I accepted him for whatever he was but he could not accept my past. I used to be so casual about my life that I didn’t even remember the people I went out with. I used to go out for drinks with guys and that’s all. He could never accept the things that I did in the past. Whenever we had issues he used to bring up all the past issues and always had a motive to prove that I was bad. I was a fool because I used to get emotional and try to fix the toxic relationship. I felt miserable everyday but I was still in a delusion that such things happen in a relationship. He even controlled my time with my friends. He never gave me the space to fully enjoy with my friends. He always had insecurities because of which he restricted me from many things and eventually brought in fights. The relationship got so toxic that I tried to kill myself. All of this was happening because he never tried to understand the fact that people are different. No doubt we shared a very intimate bond and I loved him more than anybody in this world. But all we had were issues. Slowly and steadily I felt like I didn’t have any purpose in my life. The person that I loved the most used to make me feel like I’m trash, someone who’s very bad and most importantly a slut. Yes he often made me feel like I was slut trying to grab every guy’s attention. I was even afraid to upload pictures on social media and reply to other guy’s text messages. Even if I stayed online for 5 minutes he used to start a fight because he used to believe that I was talking to someone else. I was suffocating everyday because I had to think a lot before doing anything. I used to cry every night. He even compared me to other girls. He used to say that “look at that gir-l she is so focused at her work she does not talk to everybody- she is just like me. I adore such girls.” That used to tear me apart. Then one day a miracle happened. It was like a blessing in disguise.
We had a concert at our college and I was really very excited for it. Before going to the event I called him up just to inform him that I was leaving. Then suddenly he was all moody and cold. I clearly knew that he was not at all okay with the fact that I was going out with my friends to a concert where there would be other guys. I told him that “I love you bye” and he was like “do whatever you feel like”. Then I got really very angry and I literally yelled at him on the call. He again brought up our past issues and said that I have always lied to him about many things. He even said that I never cared about him and so I was ready to enjoy the concert. I was so angry that I accidentally smashed my phone. I was very much attached to that phone because I bought it with my own scholarship money. Well that was not all. That night I did fix everything but then he suddenly decided to take a break so that we both got time to sort our lives. I was so fragile that I could not handle the break. I always called him but he used to ignore my texts. I became so insane that I started hurting myself, and I had scars everywhere in my body .Then one fine day I realized that IT WAS ENOUGH. I needed to get back on track . I needed my confidence back and my self-esteem to fall in love with myself once . And then I took a different track. I texted him and said that it’s over forever. Well guess what he started getting anxious and begged me to stay. But this time I was moving away for my own good. I never turned my back after that day.
In life we are often made to believe that being selfish is bad. But staying in a toxic relationship can destroy one’s mental peace and degrade their life. There are times when people can manipulate you into believing that you’re not good or you did something worse to them but the inner beliefs that you have about yourself will ultimately help you to either eradicate those false manipulated beliefs of others or to embrace them. The choice is yours. Toxic relationships are dangerous. I am not specifically talking about a romantic bond but it can be any other bond. It can completely destroy our mental health and makes us miserable. It even affects our physical health and causes a number of health related issues. So it is important that for once in a while we embrace selfishness. We need to become selfish in order to remove those bonds from our life that are trying to pull us down. I have not healed completely but everyday I am keeping my focus on challenging tasks in order to feel good about myself and attain self-actualization.
Always remember, love yourself because you come first.
