Life was beautiful. Everything was happening the way I wanted it to happen. I am a doctor now–MBBS, which I wanted to be since childhood. I have a boyfriend and I am going to turn 25. My family has thrown a party for me in the 7 star hotel Sahara Star. I have got a decent rank in PG-CET and there is a possibility that I’ll be able to pursue a postgraduate degree. I am in love and getting so much love. What else could a person ask for?
But… yes, there is a but. Life cannot always be full of sunshine, with green grass and yellow flowers. That was the time when my boyfriend thought of breaking up with me. Perfect timing! So what’s the big deal-everybody has breakups right? But it was the first time for me. I had imagined a life with him by my side. I was in love. I was devastated. Breakups can cause serious chemical imbalances in your brain. All the serotonin, dopamine levels went down. I suffered from depression. But I became determined. I did not want anyone to complete me. I wanted a better rank in CET. I started studying really hard. But it was torture. My best friend from school (who was also a doctor) came to my rescue. She helped with my studies and made me see my future when I had none. My other friends also helped me. I was just going on with my life. Nobody recognised the state of depression I was in. Everyone around me (including me) thought I was coping very well. I was studying, going out with friends, doing well in my exams… when alone, I started playing games on my mobile to keep myself distracted.
However. there was a twist on the way. I fell in love with one of my best friends. It wasn’t the best idea at the time because his girlfriend was a really close friend as well. But it felt right because it was for a higher purpose-service of mankind! Now I know it was a delusion. Not only did I fall in love with him but I had also deluded myself into believing that he was in love with me too.
Slowly my feelings for him became stronger. That delusion made me so happy, I was almost on the verge of mania. I started to smile without a reason. I took up a job in the same hospital and department where he was working. It was tough. At one moment, I would be happy and the next, I would cry. As my best friend, he used to try to help me. And I took his friendship the wrong way and slowly started over-analyzing things. Slowly more delusions took home in my mind until they became reality to me.
I started believing that my phone was hacked and that somehow everybody could read my whatsapp messages. Everyone was behaving with me strangely that matched my whatsapp messages.
I believed that the hospital where I worked had a central controlling system which tapped the mobiles of their employees and gave them work or sent patients to specific doctors, accordingly. Once I was serving on the night shift when a severely ill infant presented with respiratory complaints. My senior asked me to transfer the patient to another hospital as there was no PICU in our hospital. At that time I thought it was my responsibility to treat the patient, and I was not able to tell the relatives. My co-houseman took over and sent the patient away after giving nebulisation. Within 15 minutes, a similar patient came and I had to send him away too. I thought, “wow, it truly is a teaching hospital!” I believed that in order to teach me how to handle patients, they (the main controlling team of the hospital) was sending me similar patients on purpose. I had more similar experiences within the period in which I was working in that hospital.
During this delusional phase, all the people around me were divided into 2 categories. First were the people who loved me and were around for me and supported me. Second were the people who were against me. Even when the latter category of people would speak to me properly, I used to perceive that they were taunting me. The former group was always protecting me from them. Then I started having auditory hallucinations. It’s amazing how our brain works! Obviously at that time I did not know they were hallucinations. They were so real! It felt just like normal people talking from a distance. I used to hear them speaking and repeating what I had just said. Then there was this another thing. I used to doubt and misunderstand everything people said to me. So when the doctors around me used to talk about patients I believed they were talking about their own emotions. This was the medical code language and everybody knew it. Since I was new everybody thought I wouldn’t understand so I stopped talking. I used to remain quiet all the time. But I did not know then that it was only my brain making up all this stuff. It was crazy! Then I started believing that everyone knew about my feelings for my friend and everyone in category one was with me. But there was also the delusion that such a relationship is not allowed in the hospital. Because of which my friend was keeping his distance from me.
Then the big day arrived when my sister-in-law was going to deliver her baby in a nearby hospital. So I was filled with anxiety that everyone would come to know about my apparently pseudo relationship which was true only in my head. To prevent this from happening (another delusion) one paediatrician friend of mine called me up for immunization clinic in a nearby institute. I thought she was doing this on purpose. My brain was filled with the most far-fetched of delusions. That is when the schizophrenia happened. I started believing that all the crazy things that were happening in the hospital have also started happening at home. All my close relatives have also started talking in code words. Everybody knew about our relationship and everyone was taunting me. There were code words for everything. The significant one was 17. Politicians referred to me by the name 17. In my head I had become a very famous doctor and everyone around was talking about me. The people on the road were staring at me. The news channels were talking about me in their own code language so I wouldn’t find out. Somehow the government was also involved. All the novels and movies I had read and seen had become a reality. There was a delusion that my mother and uncle had sued the board conducting PG entrance exams for putting up atrocious results and for conducting unfair exams. Everything somehow seemed rational in my head.
It was high time I had to tell my mother everything . Somehow I managed to keep my trust in her–she was the only person whom I could tell the entire truth without hiding anything.
Of course, she did not believe me. Why will she believe that everyone was talking in medical code language? She talked to her teacher–her go-to person–a doctor, who told her to take me to a psychiatrist.
I agreed because I thought this was part of a big plan to prove that I am a psycho, when I am not. So I told the doctor some of the things that were happening in the hospital. In my head the doctor was on the opposite side of the political war. There was also this delusion that there was a bug in my phone and that the entire world was listening to my daily conversations. Thankfully since I believed that I had to be a part of the bigger plan, for the greater good I started taking the tablets.
Slowly the delusions started faltering. My best friend told me in plain words, that what I thought was love, was not so in reality. She told me whatever I thought was just me over thinking, that if I stopped thinking that way, it would solve all problems. It helped a lot. Slowly I realised what bullshit I was thinking. I realised that it was only my imagination and I was believing my thoughts without basis, there was no proof for my delusions. Slowly I came out of it and recovered quickly.
Having educated people around you helps a lot. I started feeling sorry for all the people my disorder affected. I could now watch TV and not think that the song was playing for me. Everything was suddenly very clear. I felt stupid for thinking that I was a famous doctor and actors were following me to copy and understand me-so they could play my character well in their shows. How could I think that there were cameras in the house and voice detectors so they could make a movie on my life? When all this clarity came, I felt relaxed. I was watching TV in the hall and I messaged my elder brother that my head feels very clear now and that I was watching a Govinda movie. He said that the fact that I was watching a Govinda movie proved that I had completely recovered.
Yes I recovered but not fully. There was this certain incomplete feeling, always. I had left the hospital, I was working in my mother’s lab and now I had to work on my career. Counselling helped. This disorder had completely changed me. Before I was so passionate about studying medicine and practicing medicine. But now it was just a job for me. I couldn’t give medicine my 100%.
But still I wanted to practice medicine. My brother suggested since it was medicine which had given me this disorder I should give it up altogether and do something else. It was so hard. I could barely do my daily chores. I was sleeping a lot. But I couldn’t dream of doing anything else. The drugs had scary side effects. On my earlier rank I got a post graduate seat. But I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I used to be drowsy all the time. It was a hard decision but I gave up that seat. And I went into depression again. I felt like a failure. My doctor said it was post psychotic depression, but I knew it was just a side effect of the drugs. I was taking 4mg of risperidone. There was a lot of frustration, depression and I felt incomplete. There was some kind of invisible curtain over my eyes and some kind of pressure on my brain.
I used to vent my frustration by shouting and screaming. I did not have any other way of treating it. It happened slowly and steadily. I started working in my mother’s lab again. Then I joined a nursing home opposite my house. It was a perfect job for me. I learnt practical medicine, how to treat patients and more importantly, how to learn how to treat patients. I started feeling confident as a doctor. Then slowly I started counselling the psychiatric patients admitted there. Slowly I started enjoying life again.
I thought of sitting for the medical entrance exam for post graduation another shot. I remember I had gone for a camp one day and when I returned my mother had news for me that I had got a decent rank in the exam and I had a chance for post graduation. I was content and I felt lucky but I was not feeling happy. I did not know if I would be happy ever again. But I was going on with life. Before my counseling for post graduation we went on a small vacation. I tried to take in the new city, the people there… tried to fill the void in me. Now with time I have learnt to enjoy life. I work as a resident and I am pursuing MD in community medicine. I am doing what I have always dreamt of doing all my life. Along with that I make sure to take time out for my recreation. I can read books, enjoy movies, without being afraid of them turning into reality. I have started learning bharatnatyam–another childhood dream I have to complete.
I have learnt a lot of things from this disorder, which I hope everyone can learn, without getting the disorder. I have stopped taking things for granted. I have realised that being an adult meant taking on responsibilities and not waiting for people to do them. Through my counseling sessions I have learnt to have gratitude. I am thankful for going through this even though I have questioned it a lot. Now I am trying to do the right things in the correct way even when I know that there are no cameras and no one is watching me.
