I guess, when I look back now and think about it, things were not really that great when it all started. 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and trust me, accepting it was somehow harder than going through its effects. I do not know if it was just my own way of thinking or maybe the society as a whole is to be blamed, but getting diagnosed with a mental health disorder began to feel like I was scarred for life. Accepting it suddenly became the biggest challenge ofmy life.
It all started at the beginning of my college life. One big college, one big name, one noble profession and one single batch of 250 strangers. I did try to fit in, I tried a lot, but something was not working out the way I thought it was supposed to. Fun fact about starting a new college life; no one knows you from before, you are a completely new person and you can build the best personality image there can be, by making the best moves. I tried that and it failed badly, resulting in a surge in my social anxiety. Slowly I started distancing myself from family and friends, stopped hanging out with them after classes, and talked only about what was necessary. I was always sad, and neither could I reciprocate the happiness around me, nor could I make sense of it. It started affecting my studies really badly. And then started the palpitations in the middle of exams, excessive sweating, all building up to blackouts. I somehow thought that this social awkwardness, distancing myself from friends and the effect on studies was because I was now an introvert and maybe a little because I was being careless and not studying properly. Please don’t judge me, a lot can go in a young kids mind. It was way too much to accept and adjust to.
Soon after this, my elder sister, who is a doctor herself, started enquiring about my fall in studies. One thing led to another and I was sitting outside an OPD room in the Psychiatry Department of my own college. I was angry, I did not want to be there, and didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. Sometimes the brightest of kids turn bad and maybe I was just a bad kid who was escaping from studies. And even if I had to see a psychiatrist, why did it have to be from the same medical college I was studying in? Thinking about my reaction, I understand more clearly now; it was not about accepting that I was ill, but about what everyone else will think about it, and how would I be judged by my friends, seniors and juniors. Suddenly I was afraid that either I would become an outcast or everyone would look at me with pity. But does that really matter? Is it worth thinking about what everyone else would think? Is it worth losing your own battles in life?
A few months into the treatment and getting involved in extracurriculars, things started to get better. I asked myself what’s the worst way to feel anxious? Maybe standing on a stage in an auditorium full of people and performing in the spotlight would do the trick. I remember how scared I was to go for the dramatics auditions and how my legs were trembling when I was delivering my dialogues in the spotlight. But do you want to know the best part? When the lights turned off, my smile was shining brighter than anyone else’s. Having your friends cheer for you, support you and have your back when you need them, this changes everything. Let go of the inhibitions for once, take that leap of faith and I promise you things will never be the same.
A person who was becoming socially awkward, ran the whole Dramatics Society as its President for a long time. There were no extracurriculars in the past 2 years which I had not actively participated in, took the lead whenever needed and had an amazing time. Currently I am running a program in my college called “Dost” to help create awareness about mental health problems and to break the stigma attached to it. I hope we will be able to help more people with mental health issues, letting them know that they are not alone in this fight.
Please stop worrying about what people will think and what they will say. This is your life and yours only, take control of it. Mental Health problems are treatable, it’s okay to care about yourself. Please don’t give up, you are not alone.
