If like me confidence has taken its toll, taking away those opportunities given to you, then your journey has just become a trek.
My problems started as a teenager, realising the way I looked and thought was, and still is, different to everybody else.
My face didn’t seem to fit in anywhere; boring brown hair and freckles, and my figure was developing just like other girls my age.
There wasn’t much money flying around at the time and I went around in old fashioned attire.
I liked my legs though as they looked long, and they were always complimented on despite the fact I was usually seen in trousers.
I found it really difficult to look at people right in the eye because I felt ‘’ugly,’’ and worthless.
I particularly found it hard in later years to speak to the handsome men behind shop counters; how would they see me?
But the hardest thing was having to stand at bus stops awaiting buses.
I was so embarrassed, always ‘’red in the cheek.’’
I just presumed they were staring at my ‘’non- symmetrical‘’ features.
I received much unwanted attention in my early teens, and inappropriate behaviour but at the time didn’t think too much about it.
I just got on with all that was thrown at me.
As I got to my early twenties the attention increased, mainly because I was developing well in the chest department.
In fact it became a regular occurrence for the male species to ‘’whistle, and toot’’ at me at every turn.
There is nothing wrong with good compliments, but some were just aggressive and crude, making me feel cheap.
This just made me feel even more worthless, I felt I had nothing to show but my assets. I ended up having short chaotic relationships.
What they did not notice was my “wit,” and creativity; writing song and poetry.
My confidence had plummeted to a new low.
I became agoraphobic.
This ‘’body dysmorphia’’ as I now understand it, followed me into adulthood, checking myself all the time and colouring my hair to brighten up my face. I desperately tried to hide my ‘’monster face’.’ I was also dealing with my mental health issues, I needed to be right about everything, I needed to prove I was more than how I appeared.
I liked to learn new things, I relished the expanding of my mind.
It is hard becoming the person you really want to be, It takes time to simmer.
I’m beginning to like myself a little now, but I’m not there yet!
I’ve simply realised that whilst I’ve never been the “prettiest flower in the bunch,” I have
never been the “ugliest of fruits.”
My advice to younger girls would be to trust yourself, and believe in yourself because “confidence is a journey, it rides along with you!”
Tanya Fillbrook has been writing poetry since she was a child. She prefers to write short stories and poetry. She has had some of her work published.
