Mayday today like so many throughout my life
Today my heart is brimming painfully with hurt feelings and emotions and there is no one here to share these feelings with or to have a shoulder to cry on little…
I have been facing problems linked with depression, schizophrenia and what not since ages now – and with me all my family too…
So this has desensitized all my near and dear ones to some extent from realizing sometimes that I also have feelings and am sensitive like everyone. I also need company and bonhomie like all.
I get written off by my near and dear ones (maybe a bit like being ostracized) and perhaps all like my peers and friends even, at the drop of hat, without even a second thought or any qualms, at times, at the end of the day…
Anyway one has to realize that life is a lone crusade for everything material, spiritual and salvation finally and each one of us is in this same fray – one consoling & comforting belief at least for the believers is that we are never alone in this crusade, that the creator is an omnipresence on this long and winding path for all, whether they know or like it or not!
Still to maintain a subtle balance between the spiritual end and the material is tough. One feels like reacting angrily & unthinkingly to the hurts brought to one’s heart often by the most loved ones.
Today I have decided to pen this all down briefly to relieve myself of some of the pain and save all of us from direct and nasty confrontations & conflicts full of painful nostalgic tirades & harangues…
So here is the crux – Today all my family including my dear brother and my dear beloved loving son – the brightest star of my eyes, (my dear late wife is already one with the super soul couple of years back – RIP with my late parents too) didn’t even think twice to consider including me to go for a movie with them – My heart is teeming with hurt full of unstoppable emotions and thoughts, even abusive unchecked thoughts at times for all of them, as subconscious reactions beyond my control. Their words and actions sometime seem to blame me for all our pains & this hurts hard… as I am still struggling with all these problems off and on… Gotta be careful for my son and all of us in future as good lessons from the past…
This has happened at times before too. But after a recent very alarming dip in my mental state and morale for couple of months I am surprised and pained by this thoughtlessness and inconsiderate behaviour on their part. More so as I have struggled and suffered with them because of my sicknesses since nearly 30 years now!
Still my rugged but ragged-at-the-edges wisdom from my painful life experiences keeps whispering in my ears, cautioning me to try to grow up even more to be more mature and stronger to stop expecting anything from anyone and forgive all gracefully and unselfishly. I guess a subtle balance is required with more tip toward inward correction than outward… Writing this and sending it I am sure will serve to pacify my immensely hurt feelings today…
