I suffered from something, I do not know the name of, as the doctor did not tell me even after I requested him to do so. But perhaps it is Schizophrenia. But now I am fine. I actually stopped taking medicine as I started feeling bad after 2 years of taking medicine. The doctor did not tell me that there will be any side-effects too. But I do not know whether I felt side effects due to medicines or whether I am always confused about my identity. I am from a rural area where listening to Bollywood songs in my family considered shameful.
I would have never have thought it possible that someone who is born male can feel like a female. A number of people have tried to assault me as well, but luckily I was able to save myself. I say “luckily” not because I did not know that boys can have sex with boys, (this I knew from early childhood), but because I was shocked that it can happen to me even when I was older than 20 and I managed to save myself unconsciously. After childhood I had never thought of this part of myself again.
Honestly, I had thought that I can only do this with girls, if ever. And stigma never allowed me to talk about how I felt openly, anywhere. I do not know what my identity is and why I am the way I am. Maybe it’s because my parents got married when they were children and only 15 years old, they did not know how to raise the children and lived in poverty too, or maybe because my mother’s parents did not feel secure until they had produced one cricket team worth of children. Maybe because I am the eldest of my siblings and often got beaten up for my faults by my mother, brother and father, or maybe because I was born with an infection on head which was treated with mustard oil. Maybe because I wasn’t breastfed sufficiently. Or because of my habit of drinking too much water and masturbating from just age 11, which I discovered for fun and used to do secretly as no one could guess about it and I never talked about it, until class 9th when I became frustrated on being told that this was a bad habit. And maybe because I have no one to talk to about all these issues.
But I am lucky that I did not talk. Because with whomsoever I have talked, I was scared that they would insult me as I am still not sociable. If something goes wrong, they will know that I am a psycho. Sometimes I was told on my face that I am a woman. They use to accuse me of many things. So I know it is not safe to talk about all these, as I have realised now. But I also know that I cannot do this! But I want to be a straight man even though I can be anything I want to be.
This is not because I am biased, but because I have come to know about my peculiar feelings very late in life, and I have always seen myself marrying a woman. I made myself believe that I became feminine because of the circumstances I faced, as I thought that only becoming more feminine could save me from all these. And this was my defence mechanism. But now I am not sure of it as I could not do many things which other normal male could do with ease.
And last may be falling in love easily but I do not know whether those were both sided love or unrequited love, as I never approached any of them about how I felt, and they could have complained against me for my conduct. I do not know exact reason of my personality but being scapegoated, bullied and insulted are somethings which are true for me. But one thing is sure that my parents are still supporting me financially, that is why I am writing this. My parents have now changed and from listening to Bollywood songs to sports, everything is allowed at home. And now I have developed a hobby of wanting to gain knowledge about many things, and being interested in everything. May be this has happened due to Cosmic laws or love or knowledge of psychology or experiences with time or my awareness about the world around me. I do not know again, as everything has happened simultaneously. But I only feel pain as my parents still believe that I cannot take good decisions about my life. To achieve success, I have to follow him. They still suspect my intentions and say that I am not practical. And I will always believe that I am not an artist!
