What is happiness?
A Buddhist monk, on being asked how he would define happiness, answered by describing it as a state of being happy for a longer period of time. Happiness is a steady state of joy with a sense of calm and deep satisfaction in one’s being. Pleasure, on the other hand, is a feeling that provides a craving to act or repeat activities which provide momentary bliss and has a diminishing value of return in time.
My battle with bipolar disorder starting 2012 made me dig deeper into my pursuit of happiness. This search made me look closer into lessons from my life, experiences of loved ones and also led me to search for factors that make and keep one happy. What has been of particular interest to me is one’s ability to address and move beyond the suffering, that we see or witness, to a happier state of being.
An escapist dealing with personal loss
Losing my parents at an early age, dad when I was one and mom at the age of 14, has been rather difficult, particularly losing my mom after having got to know her better. What followed was a constant seeking for acceptance from other people to fill a void which I felt within. My bond with my sister, relatives, friends and the solace of self-help books played the role of a rejoinder with positive affirmation during the period, although one missing component was addressing the vulnerability I felt with the loss. Most friends saw me as being a joyful person, the image I sought after though often not a true expression of my authentic & vulnerable self. On hindsight, this period rationalizes itself as a period of bottled up vulnerable emotions with an outward mask to subdue the void I felt inside.
Bottling up emotions, a recipe for disaster
Over time, bottling up feelings of personal loss, anxiety, and worry had become my second nature. Looking at myself was something I had seldom done, often seeking acceptance and acknowledgment from outside in pursuit of happiness. Similar to filling a leaking bucket to its brim without addressing the hole inside.
Things took a turn for the worse at the age of 26 with the onset of my battle with a mental illness. In brief, my episode with bipolar disorder oscillated between the mania stage, “times for months when I felt particularly greater than everyone around me”, following the bouts of depression, “where I felt particularly smaller than everyone around me with a sense of no self-worth”. You can read my earlier blog on my experience with Bipolar Disorder here.
Acknowledging the wound within
Post my diagnosis, an intense feeling of wanting to be in control of my thoughts surrounded me. The uncontrollable fear of turning mad was a companion too. I distinctly remember a point in time where I acted on the fear and ended up writing on a sheet the words- “I am Mad” with a vivid memory of strange laughter inside my head. Looking back at this incident, letting go and accepting myself with all my weirdness within has helped me acknowledge and start the healing process.
Acting on my fear has been a start to address many of my wounds within and to look inside despite a sense of fear of what I may find.It liberated me from any irrational fear held of craving acceptance from other people and breaking the notions of what normalcy meant in my head. Can’t agree more with the words of Vincent Van Gough, “the only real way of moving beyond any irrational fear we hold is to counter it with action that breaks it from crippling you”.
Happiness starts in one’s mind
The ultimate satisfaction is within us and it’s our inner values, states Dalai Lama. Happiness starts with moving beyond the idea of self through one’s contrived prism of the ego. It starts with paying kind attention to oneself with love. The ability to observe oneself and accept vulnerability is a start to build a connection with oneself and those around us. My happiness pursuit gets me to learn from experience and also pay closer observation to the lives of my loved ones. Being authentic to myself and the ability to connect the dots between the past,
present and future is an essential trait of happiness.
Resilience a trait within to counter a loss
My mom has been an epitome of resilience in many ways. She realized the inner strength that she holds with determination to beat all odds and support the family by herself. She took it upon herself to work hard as a nurse in a foreign environment, several times for two or more shifts to be able to return to us soon. On her return, she did all she could both emotionally and financially in her lifetime. She has shown that no matter how tough it gets, one always has the ability to bring out the best and come out strong. Her ability to improve the conditions of her family members and others around her through her work is most inspiring to lead the good life.
Happiness tastes best when shared with others
Mom’s life away from us in a different country gave her the resources she aspired for and it seemed to have made her realize what’s most important to her. On her return, it was clear that she valued relations with the family and friends above all else. It was evident with her efforts to constantly host the entire family and friends to bring us all together for a good time. Having grown up in that environment I can quite confidently say that those were some of the happiest days of my life too. Over and above this, she had her eyes on ensuring self-sufficiency of her loved ones. Giving in itself with time, resources etc. to build a community around her family and friends seemed to have become her drive, which she lived up until her death.
My grandmom, nearly 90 years, although unable to walk and on bed most times is yet the greatest teacher for me on happiness and a life without regret. She is filled with gratitude about her life, family, and her satisfaction that we are doing well (of being well fed being her simplistic definition of doing well). This coupled with a sense of humor to laugh at her aging memory, herself or even kid about her looks of being a very old woman in pictures sure makes her one of the happiest people I know. The life she leads only validates the study on happiness by Harvard study on adult development. It goes on to state, in the long run, happiness is derived from a strong social relationship (quality of relationships with family, friends, and community)
Investing in experiences makes one happy
With a similar intent of inquiry, I asked my circle of friends, family, and acquaintances about what makes them happy. Responses shared by them include building social relationships like getting together with friends for a fun time, family time, playing with children; other key responses include experiences like travel, building skills (existing & new), breaking out of routine, music, baking, reading, music, meditation/ yoga, playing a sport etc. There were who shared that they derive deep satisfaction from mindfulness, building their family, acts of compassion, having a good time and also in being a part of something bigger than themselves. The responses received only add to the research that. The responses received only add to the research done by Cornell University that our experiences and not things bring us happiness.
Creating experiences for self and in building community
In a recently conducted World Happiness Report by United Nations’ 2018 – Finland tops the list as the happiest country. An interesting perspective on the same has been provided by an Indian writer who shares that Finland stands out as a country which trusts more, is more open and collaborates more. The pursuit of happiness goes beyond our close relationship with family & friends to the larger connection with the broader community and the environment we live in.
I’m excited to build an organization that works to create happier communities in both rural & urban settings in India and abroad. An organization that works to create sustainable communities by promoting social travel, impact experiences and other activities for development utilizing indigenous skills of communities. Such a vast dream can only be attained by individuals with an aspiration to bridge communities and create a larger world we all aspire for. In this pursuit, I am eagerly looking forward to working with individuals and partner with corporate and public institutions to create a community, city or world we are happy to live in.
This is Bijoy’s second story here. Read the first story here.
