Depression-A Bullshit. Yeah you heard it right. A complete bullshit where we torture ourselves to an extent that we become helpless and think in the worst manner possible. Hello everyone, I am Priyanka Shukla; I am 29 years old and I live in Pune.
I am proud to say that yes, I am a depression survivor.
It was 2007 or 2008, I am not too sure; I fell in love for the first time with someone. That feeling, ohhh… I can’t explain. The world was at my feet. Those butterflies, that smile, waiting for texts, calls, long drives, saving his phone number using my friends’ name so my parents would not catch me. It was beautiful. Trust me it was. For the first time in my life I felt like I was growing. That I was a woman. There was a man who loves me, who cares for me. The world seemed to be a better place to live in. Getting dressed and trying to be the hottest girl in town, blushing alone while remembering his compliments, setting up the whole arrangement so that I can call him at night. Those days were memorable.
But destiny had something else planned for me. It is 2019 and I know how to deal with my emotions better now. You know why? Because I fought so badly to stand up again. Here is the DARK TRUTH of my life: he was cheating on me. I know this is very common in today’s world and couples breaking up is normal, but what do you do when he is your whole world? You do not understand what to do, where to go, whom to ask, what to share. It is horrible when you feel that helpless. You are screaming at the top of your voice but no one around can hear you, as if you are invisible to them. You do everything to stop him, to tell him that he is your world. But he leaves. I begged him, fought for him and made sure that I left no stones unturned but he still left because he was trying the other way out. The pain was really, really scary. I was not able to sleep for months after this. I was afraid of my own bedroom. My hands would shake when I had to turn in for the night. I kept wishing to be able to see him once again. Daily I would take out my scooty and go in front of his house so that I can see him. I was madly, madly in love with him; after all he was my first love. I used to make blank calls to his home, just to hear his voice. I was so badly gone, that I was even ready to share him with other girls, as I thought my world was impossible without him in it. It became challenging for me to even take care my self, to shower, to brush my teeth, to wake up. I did not comb my hair at least for 7 months. I never used to get ready, wear pretty dresses. I was afraid of mornings. It was like, “oh no! I have to get up again and face people around me. I have to deal with people, talk to them, do household work.”
I was so afraid of having to get up. I just wanted to lie down and sleep. I did not want to be in contact with anyone and did not want to hear anyone.
The situation worsened so much that even while sitting with my parents, I couldn’t stop myself from crying and screaming because of the pain. My situation really scared my parents a lot. I still remember when my dad came near me and hugged me tightly. His eyes were all red and filled with tears. I used to throw my plate for food in my room and cry badly. I just wanted to die or I wanted to live with him… there was no other option for me. I feel blessed to have my parents, who always supported me even at the worst of times. No food was cooked for months in my home because I was not ready to leave my mom even for a second. I just wanted to die and get rid of that pain. My younger brother was so scared of my behavior that he started coming home late from school, to avoid me. He would leave the house, sit in a nearby temple and cry for hours. My whole family was turned upside down because of me… because I loved the wrong man and because I wasn’t ready to let go.
My father would take me on a ride on returning from work, so that I could get some fresh air and I feel better. We would drive around for whole night, with him talking to me about something or the other. I used to ignore everything he said, as I was not able to concentrate on anything except my own memories. Soon, I was prescribed to some medication. I started working on myself, started watching motivational videos. It was not that I wanted to move on but I could see the pain in my parents’ eyes, which I could not bear anymore. I had decided to fight back. With myself. I started to wake up early, eat breakfast. There were still days when I was crying as I was unable to cope up with my anxiety, but I made an effort to eat my whole breakfast so that I had the energy to deal with my emotions.
I started going to my coaching classes. It was scary to face people, I often returned halfway round but still I tried daily to walk out of my home on my own. I started talking with my friends. I would like to mention here I do not have friends till date but everyone has some hi, hello people, so I started to talk to them. I started wearing makeup, and started paying attention to how I looked. I updated my social handles and started sharing new photos. At that time, even comments from unknown people, helped me to recover and feel good about myself. Proper food, a change in routine, giving time to myself, these things took effort, but it all helped. Talking to myself about where I may have gone wrong, what could I learn from my mistakes and what sort of pain I delivered to my family without any fault of theirs, talking to my friends, posting pics on social media. These things helped me a lot.
What helped most was talking to my mum. She is more of my friend than just a parent. She used to hear all my shit, then make my favourite food and feed me with her own hands. Then cuddle with me and make me sleep soundly. She is my everything. That was the time when I realized that no roadside romeo can replace this sort of love. I am so blessed to have such parents. I felt reborn, I had a new perspective, new horizon. Yes, it was a new, beautiful me.
Time is the most powerful healer. But my inner determination and my decision to fight back helped me a lot. So I just want to let you know that nothing is impossible. Get up and decide that you deserve a much better world. Your needs, demands, feelings are justified, they are valid. You are worth the effort. Never ever apologize about how you feel. It is your right and no one can take that from you. Never allow people for whom your gut feeling warns you. Who are hampering your mental peace, your health, who push you down and who do not care for you. Kick them out of your life the moment you feel something is fishy about them. Do not be in La la land where people can improve. No, people who do not see issue in their actions will never improve. Things will happen if they are meant to be and if not, then there is now need to fight for them.
Focus on the positive, on what you have. See your surroundings, look at your parents, they do care for you. You cannot be torturing them just because of some losers in your life. You are beautiful in every way possible and dammit, you are sexy as hell. Nourish yourself, protect yourself, do not get emotionally damaged by some morons. Love yourself first, then only you can deal with someone else. Never ever allow anyone to disrespect you, to talk to you at a high pitch, to take you for granted. No never ever ALLOW. You are you and that is your superpower.
Even if my story changes a single life, my tears would be worth it. It is 2019 and I may not say that I am very successful in my career but yes, I am happy with myself. I think this is my achievement.
Thank you.
