BIJOY JOSE • MALE • 35 • BENGALURU
I am” growing beyond thoughts! (Part 1)
Rene Descartes famously coined, “I think, therefore I am,” mentioning our ability to think and reason as core to being inherently human! The rejoinder now, quite obviously, goes much beyond mere thoughts in themselves. My battle with a mental illness, tackling racing and depressing thoughts, had me question the depth of oneself beyond thoughts. A semblance of an answer, I now find to “I am” rests in one’s quest of “Thoughts affirmed, Emotions felt and shared, Values intended and Actions reflected by self.”
Realizing the transient nature of thoughts
As powerful as thoughts are, my battle with a mental illness had me question the inadequacy of thoughts in themselves. The battle saw an onset of racing thoughts, exploring the source and fluctuating nature of thoughts coming to mind. The rapidity and oscillation of numerous thoughts during a Bipolar episode caused incongruence in the flow of words, thereby impairing communication with one another. Also, an attempt to own every thought during this period led to an increase in fear and worries that worsened my mental health. Even more, confirming futile thoughts coming to mind without adequate rest distanced a sense of well-being.
The disease saw a fluctuation between bloated ego, self-doubt, worry, and shame through the cycle of mania, depression, and more in time. Thereby, triggering a sense of feeling alone. The condition heightened an inability to differentiate between illusions of my mind and reality as is. The situation was further worsened by my impulsive decision-making during the period. What makes this period quite chilling for a person with Bipolar illness is the reduced gap between fleeting thoughts and actions made on impulsive decisions.
In hindsight, to feel in control over every thought is both emotionally draining and time-constraining. Even more, mania can make one think and feel in awe of oneself, a sense of having unbelievable power with an illusion of utter control, when reality could be the exact opposite. This is particularly a very difficult phase since the battle being fought or illusion on the inside is not completely understood either by self or loved ones. In my case, though my loved ones have sounded it to me, my behavior is visibly different during a phase like mania. Depression has to do more with thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, which may be sensed inside but not totally seen or understood on the outside of oneself.
Lived experience with Bipolar episodes, helped me observe the transient nature of my thoughts.
Using links in the Abstract seeking real connection
It has involved drawing connections between what’s abstract and real. At times, more than words seeking signs of love over a range of things from songs, verses, pictures, languages, adding alphabets on the number chain or time & date, etc. On reflection, this appears an attempt to utilize mental faculties seeking to build a strong emotional connection and friendship. Cognitive capabilities, saw me draw conclusive interpretations in abstract forming definitive interpretations in my mind. The interplay of free will with one’s intent of action and the perception of another makes this an absolute roller coaster ride. Added to this, one’s emotional framework, interconnections of loved ones, and share of luck contribute a good part in building the human connection.
I’ve felt quite lost and vulnerable in this abstract quest seeking my idea of true connection. A strong support system of loved ones along with medication has helped me grow along the way.
Recognizing the Observer within
The onset of the COVID waves got me revisiting the role of the thought flow process and emotional development through these unprecedented times. What’s driven me on the mental health recovery, is to identify ways to traverse from a stage of mental illness towards a state of mental wellness. I believe a key part of the same involves three key aspects: Observation, Affirmation, and visualization of one’s thoughts!
- One’s awareness to observe thoughts that pass through one’s mind,
- Inherent ability to prioritize and affirm thoughts and
- Visualize thoughts and emotions across the time continuum.
Realization of the Observer within helps lay healthy gaps between one’s thoughts and actions. The space created reduces actions merely based on impulsive urges or thoughts, particularly while battling a mental illness. Our ability to detach and prioritize thoughts can contribute positively to one’s mental health.
The non-judgmental role of the Observer enables one freedom to make mistakes, learn, and grow one’s thoughts and emotions. Noticeably, the time and energy spent on fixing every negative thought is instead used to generate useful thoughts. The time, thus is used more effectively in channeling great thoughts.
Post-observation, thought affirmation, and visualization are a start toward something substantial. In time with experience, discerning aspects that contribute to momentary pleasure and expectantly lasting happiness become clearer.
Thoughts affirmed and reaffirmed across time
Thoughts affirmed and reaffirmed across a period manifest real experiences (Secret, Documentary). Reaffirmation of thoughts and practiced visualization drive power to manifest the reality we seek. Our ability to visualize and affirm prioritized thoughts with emotions can channel the energy to manifest the reality we seek.
While some aspects of physical death, job loss, sickness, etc. are not under our control, the gift of free will enables choice, valued thoughts, and actions for oneself and one another. The ability to sync thoughts and actions in our quest to maximize happiness (momentary & long term) and enhance resilience to suffering appears within one’s control.
Emotions felt and vulnerability shared
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness” – Brene Brown
A key part that differentiates humankind from artificial intelligence rests not in our cognitive ability, but in our senses like touch, feel, belonging, and the spectrum of emotional intelligence. It is our ability to have and share love, and compassion, and feel vulnerable that makes us unique. Thoughts and emotions are interlinked and have a way of influencing each other.
Having lost my parents very early required me to grow a lot faster than I was prepared for. Further, complying with societal norms like “Boys don’t cry” and an innate desire to fill the physical void of my parents’ love saw me repress and bottle up emotions in search of acceptance. Apart from the repression of my emotions, the situation involved running away from tough situations in reality or not opening up my vulnerable side even to loved ones. This found me seeking escape routes from difficult tasks at hand and choosing moments of fleeting experience instead.
In time the bottled emotions and vent-up feelings have a way of blowing up at unexpected times. While the situation had started during adolescence, the extent of its effect was visible in my adulthood with a breakdown, creating an emotional wreck of me in my late 20s.
Resilience: Our Ability to Cope and Grow through life’s toughest situations
The mental breakdown and Bipolar episode helped me recognize rock bottom, with the gift of time and the ability to grow both mental and emotional faculties became clearer in due time. It’s seen me battle “mental illness” from a point of view of a fixed mindset that I refused to give in to, instead choosing “mental wellness” as a growth mindset I aspired for. Growing toward wellness has seen me build resilience, and adaptability by owning vulnerable emotions and growing the courage to live with all of my heart.
Gaining Resilience in time has seen me build skillsets of vulnerability and courage. Owning up to emotions felt within and sharing vulnerability with loved ones is an effort I choose to make. Building courage helps me live with all my heart in worthiness and work at changing things I long for within my control.
Happiness requires strong and quality relationships by oneself and with one another. Sharing vulnerability and being courageous to speak one’s heart is a means for authenticity in friendships. This creates a possibility of wholeness in friendships being “imperfectly perfect” together. A critical part of “I am” contributing to ‘We are’, in mindset and emotional state is key for happiness and well-being!
