I still remember that chubby girl full of love, dreams , energy , curiosity and desires. When she started blossoming, the people around plucked at her very badly. One day, after trying so much she broke down. That girl was ME.
Whenever I recall my past, my life seems like a movie with a lot of villains.
It all started from childhood. Childhood, the period in which a child learns to love , care and enjoys but not everyone’s childhood is the same.
I used to cry every single day until I was 20. Some days, two times and some days three times a day. My parents used to behave in a very strange way – taunting and emotionally blackmailing me. Although, their intention was good but the way was not right. Like many parents, they wanted to keep me under their control, importantly for their respect. For them, It was a part of parenting and every parent has a right to do so. It actually was not their fault but the fault of our so-called society. This has been going on for years. I will not lie, they used to love me too but for that I had to wait. I was greedy for their love and time as they both are working.
When my friends used to say that they went on a family trip, I used to feel so bad. I wanted us to be a perfect family but that was never possible. When I grew up, I was so isolated and lonely. I couldn’t study, and I used to sit alone in the dark all day, lost in my own world screaming at myself. The guilt and fears kept haunting me.
There was a time when I hoped the night would last forever. I felt empty and directionless. Waking up every morning had become a struggle. To make matters worse, I was an overweight teenager and people didn’t want to talk with me. I felt like everyone was embarrassed to hangout with me. I remember an incident- I was in 12th standard, our school principal called me to show the poor marks which I scored in my pre- boards. After that, she told me you are not good at studies, we can’t even make you an air hostess because “YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY”.
We have always been taught that teachers show us the right path and teach us good things. Really? If teachers teach good things then how could she speak like this to me? People used to laugh at me (my own people) and made a bunch of bad comments about my appearance.
This resulted in my struggle with body image and self-esteem issues. Slowly, I started getting attached to outsiders, I used to tell them about my suffering with the hope that maybe they would give me their love. Not love but they did use me. I was emotionally abused but I didn’t know all this then. Now, when I look back I realize what had happened.
From friendship to relationship, every single person took advantage of my innocence. There were two people who were important to me, one of them was a “free loader” and the other one told me to consult a psychiatrist because according to him, I was not in my senses. It took me a long time to overcome. But finally, I left because I couldn’t beg for someone’s love.
I was neither achieving anything in school nor in life. I started calling myself as “loser”. I was shattered and badly devastated. I was tired of hearing about body , beauty , studies , success and what not. Everyone was against me but no one was thinking why is this happening to me.
In 2018, I met someone who has become my good friend. Despite being a stranger, he supported me a lot and guided me to the right path. He is the first person who has been in my life for a long time. I relied on him for everything and he never complained about any of it. He took care of me like a parent. I have never seen anyone like him in my life. He showed me the importance of being a girl / woman and what a girl / woman can do. I will always be thankful to him.
So, let’s jump to starting treatment in 2020. I was diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder or borderline personality disorder (EUPD/BPD). I was on medications along with therapy. Some things went well, some didn’t. Although the doctor was good, I didn’t feel that she fully understood my struggles. So, I changed my doctor as my situation worsened.
I am currently diagnosed with depression and EUPD. My current doctor and therapist are amazing, and the way they approach my struggles are admirable. They are teaching me to walk in the beautiful and bumpy roads of life again. I never thought that life could be so beautiful. Life doesn’t seem scary anymore. I still have my lows but now I know how to manage it.
I have started to live for myself. I am learning to love, dream and care for myself. It seems like I have been reborn. I am so excited for this journey and so curious to learn about life and about myself. The process is still going on.
The recovery process is long – deal with it lovingly and patiently. You will learn a lot along the way. One important thing – our life only get better when we do work on ourself, there is nobody else to do the work.
I believe if I can rock, anyone can! Trust yourself. Fortunately, my parents are also trying their best to support me. Patience will take you to a place you wouldn’t have imagined. I am doing all the things which I missed in my childhood. There is no age bar for doing your favorite things.
One message that I want to convey- having bad mental health doesn’t mean that the one is possessed and instead of occultist , take them to a mental health professional.
If you feel that there is no one to share your story with, there are a lot of organizations available that provide mental health services. I really want to see the stigma around mental illness stopped and for people to realize mental health struggles are normal and treatable.
