Hi everyone, so here I am – finally mustered the courage to share my story. And even as I begin to write, I am (over)thinking a little (How will people I know react/judge me or what will others think and say? Will I attract unwarranted attention?)
But then the real reason I am sharing this is to help maybe even one person who is struggling to cope with the wounds that can’t be seen on the outside, but still very much exist. Because sometimes – (no regrets, but) I wish I’d known better.
Let’s begin with my school days where we had Physical Training classes to stay physically fit. However, mental health was not a term I heard till a much later stage in life, let alone mental health issues. In hindsight, it makes me wonder – what if this topic was considered as less of a social stigma and more of a tool to genuinely aid growth and personality development in ways that matter further ahead in life.
Then college happened. Chinmayi was that popular kid who everyone knew to be super fun, bubbly and a chirpy individual. Someone who never felt bad, always laughed it off and seemed to be living the perfect life.
No one ever got a glimpse of the chaotic mess inside.
As someone who consulted her first ever therapist at the age of 16, suffered from bouts of anxiety (still do at times), clinical disorders, has had impulsive reactions and intense emotions, obsessive compulsive disorders, superstitious behaviors, extreme mood swings, you can trust me when I say I understand. I get it. I get how it feels when you don’t know the exact reason for feeling the way that you are. When you are unable to fully understand the reason for why you’re feeling the way you are (let alone explaining or justifying it to someone else!). But also trust me when I am telling you it gets better.
Self-love had been underrated in my life since childhood days. How it comes so easily and seamlessly to some – truly baffles me. I was loved by my family/friends and so many others but myself and I kept wondering why.
At 24 is when I realized the importance of loving yourself and I cannot emphasize enough the significance of this.
Self-love is more of a journey to be enjoyed rather than worrying constantly about how you will feel once you arrive at the destination. This begins with you choosing yourself. It begins with acceptance and saying those three magical words to yourself. Go on..say it. I – LOVE – ME. It requires you to be willing and determined to embark on this journey which is very unique for each one and might get a bit lonely at times as well. But trust me, it is totally worth it! You do not need any particular reason to love yourself. (Think of someone you love selflessly/wholeheartedly and then think how it would be to love yourself like that). Know that you are enough and that you do deserve all the love and happiness that there is in this world.
So then I decided to stop victimizing, playing the blame game or even sending myself on a guilt trip and chose to move onwards, upwards and most importantly inwards from here on.
Remember, in order to get mentally healthy, you will need to mentally work out just like you do physically at a gym.
One step at a time, one day at a time.
So now – if you choose to continue reading this further, first I want you to know – I gotchu – IT IS OK. IT IS OK to mess up sometimes (it is not ok however to not try at all), IT IS OK to cry and release once in a while just as IT IS OK to pamper and treat yourself at times. IT IS OK to be a Gen Z kid with old-school ideas of love and romance. IT IS OK to love someone with all your heart and not have them love you back (it is not ok however to not love yourself enough to walk away from someone who makes you question your sense of self-worth). IT IS OK to feel a certain way, as your feelings are valid no matter what. IT IS OK to take your time with things as long as you know you’re doing your best. IT IS OK to be imperfect. IT IS OK to set boundaries and say no once in a while. IT IS OK to prioritize yourself. Be kind to yourself and ask yourself this – would you rather live under the constant pressure of being perfect all the time and lead a fake and boring life? Or would you rather embrace the flaws that make you YOU and keep it real instead? After all, #YOLO right? And now, like I said earlier – I want you to believe that it does get better. Do write to me at ctwagh97@gmail.com if you’d like to know more about what helped me feel better.
