KARTHIKA PILLAI• FEMALE • 25• NEW DELHI
Multiple individuals have walked the same paths as I, felt the same harrowing emotions, and yet continued to live as if nothing transpired. There have been stories written by individuals from centuries ago that resonate with our predicaments because somewhere, someone decided to recognize it and color the pages with their thoughts. Human beings tend to repeat history in one way or another; we all have a peculiar itch to be different, yet we are all genetically quite similar. Therefore, I presume our ways of coping with things would also sometimes intertwine and form patterns that have been tried by many others to survive.
From a very young age, I believed that I was made for something uncommon if I put it correctly. I despised the mere thought of being like everyone else because if I was, then that would mean there was nothing special about the way I was. I put myself on a pedestal; my inner voice always set impossible standards, and when I fell off the ladder, it always reprimanded me for my shortcomings. So, when I couldn’t go to veterinary school after graduating from school and had to take a year off in 2016, you could only imagine the amount of pressure I felt from within. I had disappointed myself. There was nothing else I was preparing for, just this, and that also I couldn’t achieve.
My willpower broke, as I saw everyone around me moving on to something bigger and better while I stood in the same place as moss gathered around me. My heart felt heavier with each passing day, and my bed became my fortress of solitude; I shut myself down. I didn’t let myself indulge in anything; I wouldn’t let myself be happy; I had been defeated. It was as if I was in the middle of a sea with no end in sight as the evening approached, the lights went out, and the only sound I could pick up in the colossal darkness was my dreams breaking. I had failed. 2016 was a year where somehow time froze for me. It’s 2023 now, but I still remember how small I felt, the dents and bruises I bestowed upon myself in the pursuit of wanting to feel something amidst the numbness of it all.
The food had started to taste all the same; music was poison to my ears, and merely existing was becoming a humongous task altogether. I was becoming frail and weaker with time, and the hollowness in my eyes had started to make me look unearthly until my mom decided that it was enough. We were not financially very sound at the moment, and I had too much pride to ask for help from anyone, not even my brother, even though he kindly offered to pay for my tuition. I remember filling out forms for Delhi University for Psychology, studying for entrance to English honors and law in Jamia, but somehow I ended up with social work. I wanted to turn things around for myself; I had wasted an entire year wallowing and staying disconnected from life in general; I was depressed. I put on a mask and went on with life; I tried to rewire my brain and look at the positive aspects of what life had to offer to me. If I couldn’t have it my way, I would let things steer me toward whatever they found worthy of me, and I let myself get navigated. It was time to move on to better things. Fast Forward, now I have been working as a consultant in the Ministry of Social Justice & Empowerment, Government of India for the past three years.
There are still days when I feel unworthy, and my heart doesn’t seem to work as efficiently as I would hope for it to do. I recently got diagnosed with major depression, high-functioning anxiety, and alcohol dependency. I also tried to overdose on my anxiety medicines because somehow nothing made me happy or content. But it’s been 2 months now since that major episode, and I must say, I worked on the things that were causing me to become so reactive. For anyone who finds solace in these words, please know this: You are not a mere sum of the trials and tribulations that have shaped your existence. Instead, you are the masterpiece born from the choices you make in response to life’s relentless twists and turns. There exists a profound distinction between the essence of your being and the circumstances that have shaped your path—a truth we often overlook in the depths of our struggles.
In every chapter of your life’s story, certain elements may trigger your emotions, weaving a narrative that feels all too confining. Yet, you possess the profound ability to rewrite that script and remove yourself from places that are causing harm. Consider this act as releasing a vibrant flower from a barren land that threatens its vibrancy. Envision this bloom, persistent and unwavering, attempting to shine even when surrounded by shadows. Though challenges loom large, casting doubts and fears, always anchor yourself in the belief that brighter meadows await, where your spirit can bask in its full glory. Do not become entrapped in the notion that where you are now is where you’re meant to remain. Life is an intricate dance of discovery, a path filled with unexpected turns and wondrous horizons. It’s a journey too rich and expansive to be spent anchored to environments or circumstances that stifle your growth and dim your inner light.
So, with hope as your compass and determination as your guide, stride forward. For out there, beyond the familiar, land fertile with opportunity, where your spirit not only survives but soars. Let this quest become a beacon, illuminating the boundless potential within you, and reminding you always of your inherent capacity to evolve, adapt, and thrive. Life is too long and arduous for us to be stuck in places that serve us no purpose.
Secondly, refuse to surrender to those nagging, intrusive thoughts. You are not defined by your missteps, and you need not tally every perceived mistake or entertain regrets about paths not taken. Instead, hold onto this truth: life has been crafting you into the unique individual you are today. Embrace the idea that your current self surpasses any hypothetical version you might have been. The realm of possibilities stretches infinitely, but remember, there’s only one of you in this world. Cherish that person.
Finally, embrace the affection of those who hold you dear and genuinely desire your presence in their lives. Often, we find ourselves chasing external validation, striving to prove our worth to those who may not fully appreciate our essence. It’s essential to mend the wounds of that inner child who may have felt abandoned or mistreated in the past. Trust me when I say, you deserve more than those who take you for granted.
The ones who truly love you will forever recognize the radiance within your soul, even when you might doubt it yourself. In contrast, some will deliberately turn a blind eye to your brilliance, and you need not chase their approval. Have faith that everything will align as it should, for there is not only light at the end of the tunnel but an enduring light within you, waiting to be discovered by your gaze. Embrace it, nurture it, and let it illuminate your path, for you are deserving of the love and recognition that come from within. If only you are open to seeking it.
