I’d lost myself during my transition into my teenage years–it was something that happened mostly externally and of undisclosable reasons. I had gone through a horrid lot of stuff at the time though. From scrambling to understand my self-worth to dealing with my insecurities. My peers failing to understand or even remotely sympathise with my emotions and struggles, didn’t quite help either. Even my parents weren’t aware of the heights of cliffhangers relating to my depression, until just last year. And even now, I don’t think they’ll ever understand completely.
I was never able to make anyone understand – my depression, my anxiety, my whirlwind of emotions about things that didn’t generally matter, my over-sensitivity, my ‘never-seen-before-in-the-family-bloodline’ quiet yet powerfully observant behaviour, my suicidal behavior owing to immense pain down to the soul, yada yada yada. All of this has made me believe that mental health, in whatever form, can simply never be explained to another human as powerfully or even as significantly as it means to the original person swimming through it themselves. It’s too unique. It’s too…’alien’. And you know what? I’ve made peace with it. I never forced myself to accept it, it just happened to hit me naturally at some point! And that’s when I realised another thing – I never trusted my path. I had never trusted the words written in my life’s ongoing chapters written down by those unworldly divine figures watching over us each day. It never occurred to me that I needed to let myself flow along the current (what seemed to be a disastrous tidal wave) of my life’s river. But now I have, and it’s the most strange but soothing content feeling I’ve ever felt for a while.
And this doesn’t just include my mental health, this includes my personality characteristics as an individual as well; something that I’ve often seen being shunned by others or being perceived as unnatural, or weird or out of place simply because “I am a guy”. But that’s a whole other topic that I won’t touch right now. But me and my emotional, sensitive, naïve, over-thinking dumb ass self are DIVINE, I can tell you that!
Other people may or may not understand me, but as long as I trust myself as someone who is capable (of opening so many hidden doors which I’ll probably always be looking for) who knows who they are, and is able to trust their path, I know I’ll be absolutely fine. Enough moping and groaning and crying and being distressed over that. It’s time I realise I’m meant for better things. And you are too. Take risks if you have to, but find your worth again.
“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” – John Lennon
Vibhor is a student, a dreamer, a lover, a pet parent, a nature admirer, an empathetic and a genuinely sentient being!
