It isn’t easy for someone who has been abused to move beyond it and have a normal life. Especially when she is abused as a kid and she only realizes what this means later on. How heartbreaking it is to go through something so undeserved. How bad it gets when that person turns out to be none other than a family member. How shameful and disgusted it makes you feel.
Well, that’s me. My cousin abused me for two years. I didn’t know what it was at that time, because I was just a kid. But I later realized the “game” he spoke of wasn’t just a game.
I was devastated. I was disgusted by my own self, fighting hard to survive when I knew each day it was my pride that died. Depression, anxiety, and darkness were my buddies for a while. I was trying to blame myself and find faults within me. But at one point I realized it’s not me, and it’s not in my head. It was his pathetic, disgusting mind.
This experience forced me to learn a lot about myself and grow stronger—not physically, but emotionally. It was a season of building myself up. The beginning of a new story within. I started writing and painting again. That, along with time, family, and friends, helped to heal me.
Look up
Tears running down my face
My head hanging low
Thinking what a disgrace.
The hands that I thought would keep me safe
Instead put me in shame.
Each time I looked up saying bhai (brother),
You took me back into that time.
That closet started to become a safe place
My mom would have never digested the fate
You left me shattered with bruises and scars.
For you it just wasn’t enough.
Now I’m 19, but I was 10 then…
It took time for me to realise that it wasn’t just a game.
I’m not smiling,
I’m screaming inside.
Wiping the floor
Hiding inside.
But that was me
Sometime before.
Now I’m alright.
The chains that once held me are broken.
As for society, what can they say.
I ain’t your possession. I ain’t your thing.
I am the person who I am called to be.
Showing grace, showing love
I choose to look up.
And do what I love.
Not because I am weak
But because I am flawless and unique
Made perfectly
And given an identity
And I choose to look up.
This poem has been earlier published on Clover Letter (here).
If you or someone you know is facing or has faced any form of sexual abuse, you can report it by calling 1098.
If you are searching for support networks for women survivors of sexual abuse, please contact the RAHI Foundation (Delhi) by email: info@rahifoundation.org or Tulir – Centre for the Prevention & Healing of Child Sexual Abuse (Chennai) by email: tulircphcsa@yahoo.co.in.
For more resources, you can visit: http://ncw.nic.in/frmhelpline.aspx
