The last time I shared my story I spoke of trusting my path; now comes the large potholes that would try puncture my efforts to stay on it. And that’s what having depression and anxiety can be like. Wanting to feel better, really wanting to feel better, even doing things to achieve
that goal, yet sometimes unexpectedly and unwillingly taking 5 steps back on the small
yet significant 2 steps of forward of progress forward that you daringly took. It happened to me and I wasn’t prepared.
That’s how strange and eerie mental health can be.
I was having the most prominent ‘good’ streak back in January 2018 – days passed
without any sort of monster wanting to be dealt with upfront and immediately. I felt like I
was able to breathe again, like I could function normally and even feel like I never had a
mental health condition to begin with! I could relate to the phrase “heaven on earth”
very intimately at the time; for someone who’s at war (and sometimes able to deal) with
depression and anxiety on a day to day basis, that indefinite period of peace meant the
world to me. I was trusting my path wherever it took me and I felt like I was finally
bearing the fruit of it. Even my therapy was going wonderful and my therapist was very
happy with my progress. My medicines seemed to have done their work, evidently. But
then, as January neared to an end… something woke up from its “hibernation.”
To describe it as a 100+ mph invisible speed of force slamming in to my life out of the
blue, would not be an over exaggeration… for me at least. My depression came back in
full swing, just like it had when I had first started treatment – wild, uncontrollable, violent
and demanding to be confronted with. My daily normal activities came to a standstill.
And you know what the worst thing was? There was no known trigger or any sort of
event that led to this monster waking up again. I had to go back a few steps with my
therapist and try to figure out what exactly derailed me so suddenly, but nothing seemed
to be of light.
It was very serious. I felt like laying in my bed all day long and never getting out of it. I
would stay wide awake all throughout the night with the moon sparkling brightly and
until the sun rose up over the horizon. My personal hygiene took a nosedive too. My
appetite plummeted – I only ate once a day. My emotional sensitivity rose like a rocket
jetting off to outer space. I couldn’t go out in public to meet anyone or go get anything
because my anxiety took a separate avatar of social phobia again. I stopped talking to
my friends. My parents were concerned yet unaware of how dire things had come to a
standstill in my world. It was painful. I didn’t know what was happening, I was just so
surrendered to the sudden bomb going off that I didn’t know what to do or what to think
- I even missed some therapy sessions because there were days I just didn’t want to
get out of my bedroom. All of this lasted for a good month during February. It was
horrible, to say the least. However I’m really happy that I still did end up going to my
therapy sessions whenever possible throughout all of this.
Together with professional help, I was able to uplift the situation and get back to
somewhat normalcy. It got better every day, albeit with a few bumps here and there,
but definitely improved. What caught me off guard afterwards was that the monster that
had been turned docile from its original form had managed to somehow implode in on
itself and come back with a new form. Right in the middle of when I saw hope at the end
of the tunnel.
I surely did go off my path because of this situation, but once I was able to restore my
health and back I made sure that I kept to my promise – to trust myself and my
path.
I honestly don’t know what to think of the monster returning even till today. I wasn’t
spooked or scared or traumatized from the event. I was pushed off my “schedule” so
suddenly that I couldn’t even find time to derive anything of it. And that’s what I learnt
from the experience too.
I learnt that even though I thought I had seen everything my depression and anxiety had
to show me, there might always be new, unexpected challenges for me to face. I’d
have to somehow trust myself to deal with it, like I did this time. That’s how real things
can get with mental health illnesses. Surreal. Unimaginably real. Out-of- your-
wildest thoughts kind of real. But in the end, when you’ve gotten a grip of everything
back, make sure to fasten your seatbelt tight again and enjoy the ride. Life can be tricky
with complications that you have, but it’ll still go on. You have to unwillingly go along
with it anyway, so do what you can to maintain serenity wherever possible. Trust your
path. Trust yourself. Harbour hope.
(Oh, and don’t forget to get professional help!)
This is Vibhor’s second story here. Read the first story here.
