Just know,
Your secret fears,
Your secret doubts,
I share them too.
They don’t have to be Secrets anymore.
You know me, I know you.
My story of misery began from the age of 4. I was born and brought up in an elite family, where me and my siblings were provided with the best of everything. Despite that there were times when life was hard. I saw some of the most devastating times in my family. Though my parents have always shared an excellent chemistry for years, we still see fights and disturbances, and it’s mostly caused by other family members. It has led to a lot of frustration for both my parents, and it has had an impact on my life, as well. Often it resulted in me being beaten up physically when I made a mistake. Though they never intended to do that, it happened. Despite all this, I lead a normal life.
- THE BEGINNING
Growing up, there were no kids around my age for me to play with in the area where we lived. So I would often be spend time with my paternal cousins at their home. However, I was physically and psychologically abused or rather TORTURED by my cousin who is 8 years my elder, every time I was at his place. My uncle was negligent and aunt would be working; so I was sometimes left alone with him even on weekends. He would toss me on the bed and drop me from great heights. My arms would pain severely because of being twisted so hard. I even remained unfed for most parts of the day. Still, this wasn’t as bad as the times when I was left with his elder sister who was nearly 13 years older than me. She would dig her long nails into my arms and hurt me. Her mother-my aunt, would also take part in holding me down. I couldn’t even tell my parents about the abuse I faced at their house, as I knew it would lead to fights at home. This continued for years. - THE ESCALATORY PHASE
All of this along with a lack of emotional support at home made me more agitated and anxious. I felt my physical growth being stunted. It even affected my performance at school. I started losing friends and nobody would talk to me. It got worse when I started being bullyied at school. All of this had a negative impact on my confidence. I remember that I was in grade 6 when I first developed suicidal tendencies. My studies were also affected but I still remained a well performing student. I wasn’t the poster boy for an ideal teen because I didn’t care much for being “cool”.
In 2014, I underwent a massive emotional and psychological transformation. I was in class 10, when I finally started thinking seriously about my life and getting onto my own feet. I knew that I was performing well academically but somehow wasn’t being able to give the best to my abilities. I decided to dedicate each day to improving myself. I didn’t expect any company or support. There were many people who demotivated me but I didn’t give up. I fought my depression and eventually, at the end of my high school I promoted myself from a well performing student to the best performer by scoring a grade point of 9.6.
Things seemed to get better as I enrolled in biology in Class 11. But there were still problems at home. But I persevered and eventually prepared for my medical entrance and Class 12th exams. My daily routine had me spending almost gave 14-15 hours studying, both at school and coaching classes. Everyone in my family was confident on me performing well in my medical entrance.
- THE DETERIORATE PHASE
But life had different plans. And a few days before my exam, I was up until 3 am, weeping and narrating all the torture I had suffered all my life to my parents, due to their negligence. The day after that night I had an important examination, and even though, I managed to pull through, emotionally I was shattered. Even my grandparents soon found out and I hoped that they would at least confront my so-called-cousins for what they did. But I was wrong. They didn’t even bother to ask their own grand children, rather they didn’t have the guts to do so. All they did was to advise me to forget all the sufferings of the last 14 years and to move on. It was then I realised, that they were just as helpless as I was.
That was the time when I actually developed hatred for everyone around me. I had become emotionally fragile and finally on the night before my medical entrance exam I faced a total mental and emotional collapse. My exam did not go well. The bad mood continued even after it was over. When the results were announced, as expected I hadn’t scored well, though I had 91.90 percentile. My parents tried to cheer me up to cover up their faults and my depression. But things worsened as I was rejected in nine state college counselling rounds. On the other hand, I had to reject admission offers from 47 deemed universities, as their fees were extremely high. This had a very negative impact on my overall mental and emotional wellbeing. - THE AWAKENING
I realised that I can’t give up. It took me time but I was back on my feet. I wasn’t going to spend any more sleepless nights, crying for hours. I learned that no one in this world could help me other than me. It was me who had to deal with this. I finally decided to stop punishing myself and start living my life. I decided to emotionally distance myself from my family and relatives. I learned that it is important to engage with everyone, to love and to get loved, but to do everything keeping in mind that all this is transient.
This helped me become independent, and detach myself from my past. Finally, my life was back on track. I began to prepare for the same examination next year. Everything that happened made me strong emotionally. I was able to stand up for myself now, and became extroverted and outspoken. I started answering back to everyone and gave back as good as I got, sometimes even more.
I decided to devote every minute of my new and better life to self-improvement. I started going out for solo holidays, let myself be free and explore myself and the world. I realised that whatever happens is for a reason; everything seemed destined. What helped me the most through all the hurt and the pain were my hobbies. I painted a lot, and I am proud to say that my skill are at level of a pro. I had to channelise the noise inside through colours. I surrendered myself to music which relaxed my soul. I gave my 100% to my studies and excelled once again. After all this time, the conclusion I drew out was that I needed to stop surrendering to my depression and start living; stop pitying myself for what had happened already and instead start accepting; to stop regretting and start learning; to stop worrying and start striving for the best, and to stop expecting and start appreciating. And above all, to let go.
