So self doubt, I have never had someone talk about self doubt. I don’t even know if that is a part of depression actually. I have been suffering from self doubt for over a year now but depression and anxiety? People talk about it now. But self doubt kills you. I remember how all of this started with a bad relationship. One day I was good enough for him and the other day I was not. One day he swore he loved me and the next, he just wanted to be friends. He kept cheating on me. God’s sake I did not even now how many girls there were. But I stuck. I gave in my everything and I still stuck by. And I don’t even know when I lost myself. Every day was a battle if I was good enough. What if it was my fault that he cheated because I was not smart enough or pretty enough? And once that feeling swept in, it never left. It’s been a year and it still has not. And it is not about him or what we had or the relationship but now it is really just about me. I do not think I am good enough. I never will be. What if the next person who decided to be with me just finds someone prettier or funnier and decides one morning that he doesn’t feel the same way about me? And no one understands this feeling but someone who has been through this. You can’t explain this to tell someone what it feels like when you see someone prettier and think in the back of your head “wish I could be that”. Everything is different now. I am no more than confident girl I used to be. No more walking up in the morning and looking at myself in the mirror telling myself how much I love myself when I’m smiling. It is exhausting. Every day. Wanting to be someone else. Being unhappy with yourself. Sometimes you just want someone to hold you and tell you it will be okay even though it might not be true. It has been a year and I still have not spoken about this or approached someone because I thought this will pass. But does it really? Or does it just get worse everyday knowing you’re lacking something or you’re never going to be good enough or there’s someone always better than you and one day everyone will see it and leave. I want this to end. I want to tell someone that I want this to end and I want someone to make it go away. I just miss myself. I just miss being happy. That’s all.
