Shivering fingers
Red crying eyes
A heavy head
and an unpeaceful heart
Gloomy days
and gloomier nights,
That is what it feels like,
and yes, I am not ashamed,
It’s a struggle,
A struggle to get yourself out of that bed every morning,
A struggle to brush your teeth, to wash your face and sometimes to even poop,
A struggle to try not to cry, forget being happy,
A struggle to not be irritated with everything happening around you, Because you don’t know what might be my break down,
You came home late, I almost broke down because I have been lonely all day long,
A friend took an hour to reply to my text
and I had a breakdown, Because why would anybody care about me?
The internet is crappy slow, I had a breakdown because nothing seems to be going right in my life
My gym instructor, said “Give me 20”, I could not breathe after 10, I went back home and cried bad, another breakdown,
And somebody just said, You are way too sensitive, I had a breakdown because you didn’t realize but you just fed the demons inside me!
And I just realized, why Ross made a big fuss about somebody eating his sandwich, we all had a good laugh at it, right? But that is a real story for 100’s around you. Somebody ate the only “good thing” in his life!
Yes, these things are the triggers for a mentally unwell person, and I am not ashamed of it!
It’s a battle, and while the world thought it was a battle against the mortality of the woman I believed to be immortal,
or It was a battle against loneliness, because I lost all my friends,
or it was a battle against the shattered family because, you know, God took away our backbone,
or It was a battle against the universe because it had been nothing but unfair,
But let me tell you, every day and every minute and every millisecond was nothing but a battle against myself,
A clinically depressed person is not trying to fight against the “unfair”, because he somehow makes peace with them, but making peace with himself, I suppose, is the most difficult of all,
This person, is fighting with himself,
Trying to tell voices in his head and demons who seem to overpower him,
“Please calm down”,
He is desperate, desperate to be happy, to smile, without faking it,
but what could he possibly do to shut those voices?
He doesn’t have an answer,
so next time, you see a person going through anxiety, overthinking and depression, please don’t tell them try to think less about it, or
“Teri dikkat kuch ni hai yar bas tu sochta thoda zada hai, chill kar!”
Because trust me I need that chill more than anybody in this world right now, but I can’t find my way through it!
and if you find all this too superficial,
try and imagine a day, where you are making your hair but your hands are being held back by some kind of invisible power,
Where you are smiling but instead tears start to come out,
Where you are out for the party the whole office has been excited about, but some kind of inability stops you from having a hearty conversation and a cheerful time,
That my friend is depression, it’s not a choice, it’s an illness,
And as your constipation needs a medicine, so does this!
Don’t be ashamed, step out, seek help, and put an end to your dark gloomy days and even gloomier nights.
#IamNotAtAllAshamed!
