“Oh, what a strange name!” “Are you Christian?” “You look like a Punjabi/
Bengali/ Kashmiri.” “You’re too fair to be a South Indian.” “So, where exactly are
you from?”
These are some familiar statements I have become used to hearing all my life. I joined a new
job last month and again hear all these things. We shifted our city quite often. We
moved from Mumbai to Delhi to Bangalore to Muscat. After that I went to Pune by
myself and then to Mumbai again. No- neither of my parents are in the army. My dad
just got transferred sometimes. It meant we never lived in a place for more than a few
years.
I was always an introvert, which meant it took me at least a year to make a few
friends. It wasn’t easy, always being the new girl, everyone looking at you, teachers,
students, monitors, etc. I hated it.
But I loved going to school, I loved learning new things, and I still do. Most people
call me boring or a “nerd”. I began my education in Delhi, where teachers were quite
rough with the students. My teachers would hit my classmates when they
misbehaved. My sister and I were well-behaved kids, and I don’t recall getting hit
before the age of 10. So as a kindergartner, when I saw my teacher hitting people
around me, I was terrified. It made me start crying and the only way she could think
to make me stop was to slap me as well. The reasoning behind such a decision
baffles me. However, this went on for a few more months, until I finished
Kindergarten and went to 1st standard.
My teachers were pretty calm after that, and I was a model student who got into
trouble once in the four years I was in that school. But that’s when my life became
infinitely worse. My sister is 5 years elder to me. At this point she was 11 years old. I
have never fully understood why, although I have come up with many excuses for
her, but she started sexually assaulting me. My parents would leave her in charge every time they went out and it would always be the same thing. It’s not something I like to talk about
or think about even. When my parents came back, I would be crying and I would try
to tell them, however, according to them, I was an over-sensitive child who cried too
much. They still think I’m oversensitive and often call me a “liberal snowflake”.
Somehow, I buried this and continued forward. Now I am 22 and my sister is 27, we
have a complicated relationship, and I do not think she remembers any of this. She
thinks I’m stuck up.
When I was in class IV, we moved to Bangalore where this continued. In class VI, my family
moved to Muscat. My mom stopped working at this point, and since she was always
home, my sister was forced to stop. However, at this point she didn’t have much
interest in me as she was in 11th and had a boyfriend. I was glad. I focussed my time
on school, swimming practice and piano classes. I had a close set of friends in
school and things were relatively good for this period.
When I was in class VIII, she moved back to Bangalore, for her engineering. I hit puberty at this
point. I began to put on weight, my previously straight hair was now curly and dry,
and I had acne. I was a feminist and I was protective of my friends and no matter
how much I hated being the centre of attention I was always getting into fights with
guys who were harassing my friends. After a while this whole ugly, tough girl image
became something my friends didn’t want to associate with. They stopped talking to
me, began spreading rumours about me and distanced themselves from me
generally.
All of this began to affect my concentration on studies. I had given up swimming due
to trauma from a recent flooding in my area. And we had moved houses which made
piano classes inconvenient. I didn’t have anything else going on in my life. My grade
slipped. Not by a lot though, I went from being one of the top 5 rankers, to the top 10
rankers. My overall percentage remained in the 90s.
However, at home this was a big issue. I was no longer considered good in studies.
My parents said that was why I didn’t have any friends, as I was a failure who would
never amount to anything, because I didn’t care enough.
My weight gain, curly hair and acne also became an issue. My parents kept
talking about how nobody in our family had curly hair, everyone had been bone thin at my
age and nobody had ever had acne. In retrospect, 4 out of my 5 aunts have curly
hair, they were all anaemic, I was well within my body index and I had extremely mild
acne. At that time however, I thought there was something wrong with me. I hated
what I looked like. I hated my hair, my face, my body. And they hated me as well. My
mom often said she wished I was never born, and my dad would call me a witch and
other colourful words that rhymed with it.
This was when I started harming myself. It was never anything major, just small cuts I
would make on my inner thighs. It would give me a rush, and I knew nobody was
going to look there. Food was a big source of comfort to me, but I also hated my
weight. I would binge large amount of foods, both healthy home-cooked meals, as
well as junk. Then I would spend all afternoon making myself throw up. I would
do the same thing at night after my parents were asleep.
This was when life began to turn around for me. I had an English teacher, who
noticed that something was wrong with me. She made me go see the school
counsellor. He talked to me, and while I didn’t trust him with all my secrets, I told him
about what was going on at that time. He explained to me that I was going through
depression, he told me what an eating disorder was, and he guided me out of it. He
gave me the tools to empower myself. It was at this time, that I decided that I too
would become a psychologist.
This did not go well with my parents, especially my father who always thought I
would be a surgeon. For one night, he threw me out of the house. Eventually, he was
forced to take me back in as it was a foreign land, and it would have become a police
case then.
I also opened myself up to the world of the internet. While the internet has many
dangers, it was the thing that saved me. I found a community of like-minded people,
people who were going through similar things like me. I had friends, security and
hope. I learned about sex ed, and LGBTQIA issues, about racial, political, social
issues. I listened to spoken word poetry and watched stand-up comedy. I broadened
my horizons and explored options for college.
In class XI I moved to a different school to pursue humanities, I began going to the
school counsellor at my new school. I made new friends, who I am still in touch with,
I learnt how to take care of my skin and hair, I developed a better relationship with
food, and resumed swimming.
When I moved to college, I was much more well-adjusted. Terrible things have
happened to me since, my grandparents passed away, a close friend died in a road
accident, I’ve been sexually assaulted 9 times, I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve had
surgery, I’ve had extremely bad days where I thought it would be easier to end
things.
In periods of high stress, I still find myself crawling back to my bingeing habits. When
I see racism, sexism, classism, casteism, homophobia, when I see hate and fear all
around me, I still get caught in the cycle of depression. I still hate myself and the
people around me at times. Everyday I read the news I lose a little more faith in
humanity. But the smaller things give me hope. A child smiling, a flower blooming, a
puppy blinking (yes, blinking) even one good day, makes it worth it at times. I still go
to therapy. I’m not very good at being regular. I’ve shifted so often that I must keep
switching therapists. However, now I have a Masters in Psychology. I work two jobs.
One which pays the bills (barely), and one which makes me happy. My relationship
with my family is strained, at best. They still support relatives and uncles who have
molested me and call me a liar.
Therapy and good friendships are what have helped me survive so far. Off late, I
realised constantly switching therapists was no good and I started online therapy.
There are several apps which help with this such as bettertalk, betterhelp, talkitout,
innerhour, etc. There are even AIs and chatbots which can help you such as Wysa.
I’ve learnt not to be embarrassed and apologetic for who I am and what I do. As long
as I believe in my heart that I’m doing the right thing, I can be at peace.
If you or someone you know is facing or has faced any form of sexual abuse, you can report it by calling 1098.
If you are searching for support networks for women survivors of sexual abuse, please contact the RAHI Foundation (Delhi) by email: info@rahifoundation.org or Tulir – Centre for the Prevention & Healing of Child Sexual Abuse (Chennai) by email: tulircphcsa@yahoo.co.in.
For more resources, you can visit: http://ncw.nic.in/frmhelpline.aspx
