My experience with mental health challenges has been a dynamic one. While I consider myself fortunate to have learned from my mother, who has also faced mental illness, on how to get help, I won’t lie, it’s not been an easy road to cruise down.
In the fall of 2016, I found myself extremely burned out. I had been traveling, moving around the US for a few reasons including following what was going on in the social-political environment. At one point, when I returned to my second home, Oakland, California, I didn’t go outside for a week (or maybe longer). I shall not talk about my struggle with my first home, Texas, at this time.
Back in California, there was an election about to happen. Actually, the whole of the United States was about to have a presidential election. I had my feelings about the whole thing and made a prediction a few months earlier about who I thought would win. Described my thoughts on a Facebook post, told friends, ugh. I could see people thinking I was “crazy.” They didn’t see what I saw. I feared the worst considering my own background. My grandmother was a Mexican-born immigrant to America and I am of “Mexican-American” descent. To hear a person wage their whole campaign against an entire population and label them as “bad people” can be quite disturbing in itself. Not to mention all the other harmful words he’s thrown out to humans in general.
The election happened. I don’t need to say who won, but I will say the whole result was a disaster for many people including myself. I even cried that night in my bed curled up under my blanket. Many fears came upon me like what is happening? Is it just me? It felt like the sky was falling.
The next few days that followed involved me taking part of the protests going on where I lived and just more political activities like people marching, preparing for a change in social resources, anticipating an increase in oppression, yelling, windows being broken, police shooting tear gas and flash grenades at crowds and a lot of expressions of dissatisfaction, fear, love, and whatever else.
I was tired. I went home. I didn’t go out again for a few days. What next? Nothing. I just found myself in a bit of a falling out with a close friend during this time (perhaps an unrequited love withdrawal). It didn’t feel good. I also found myself a bit stressed, discouraged, and plain hopeless over a personal finance situation. I didn’t know what to do. I contemplated many options. I stayed inside a lot. I also picked up a new job working full time hours and found myself in a routine that I hadn’t had for quite some time. At first, I found it hard to wake up and want to go to work and go to lunch and just wanted to get back to my bed. I liked just sitting in my bed, reading and sleeping. I would cry sometimes. I didn’t know why.
So, I started reading about possible reasons for why I was feeling what I was feeling. I remember a letter a friend once wrote to me a few years earlier about depression. Was I down again about something? Clearly, I was but did not think it was serious enough for me to really consider my overall health. I saw a local physical at some point and was told, “it seems like you may have reached a point of burnout.” I had retraced how long I had been traveling and following campaigns and playing music shows and taking on various jobs. My life didn’t flash before my eyes. I think extreme light is required for a flash. And there was certainly not enough light in this moment. It was like a greyscale loop with a lot of “I’m getting out of here” situations. Stop and go, stop and go. What was going on?
I recalled learning meditation in the way of Buddhist instruction. I related it to my own mental health and emotions. I then read other types of medical advice, religious and spiritual scriptures, and other experiencers had to say about mental health, depression, fear, anxiety, tiredness.
I can’t really define how I coped, but it involved a lot of introspection. I recall even trying to call my older brother just to talk – something I rarely did and someone who I hadn’t had a chat with for quite some time. I was trying to reach out to someone. I didn’t want to talk to many other people. I remember not wanting to engage with friends or new coworkers more than I had to. I couldn’t wait to go to lunch or get home and just read more about things I could do to better understand my feelings about things.
At some point, I felt like maybe it was time to go abroad. I wanted to go somewhere I hadn’t gone before. I decided to go to India for an English language program and take up practice teaching. I had to plan for this which I usually didn’t do far ahead in time for moves like this. I worked extra hours and continued to read more and practiced my self-evaluation.
One day, my mother called me. She said she was wanting to take a trip, and really wanted to visit me in California. Oh no. I was not prepared for this. I was kind of in the middle of something serious going on with myself that I felt like I had no space left to give. Just the thought felt suffocating. I wanted to protect my California from bad experiences and memories from other places. But I could sense my mom wasn’t feeling well herself. So, I said okay. I mean, who was I to tell anyone they can’t visit a place? My mom was totally free to go anywhere she chose, and I had to tell myself not to be so selfish.
When mom along with my grandma came to visit, I had told them that I had intentions to go abroad for a while and that I would eventually leave California. They didn’t stay at my place because I had a very small room with other roommates and for my own mental health, I felt it better that they should stay in a different place, perhaps not too far. So they found a hotel near my flat. I remember feeling a little anxious about their visit, especially my mom, because I felt like she would have anxiety or worries about things going on in herself and I knew that it could somehow affect me. At this still early point in my recovery, I had been learning to set my own boundaries about how I treat myself and manage myself in social situations when possible.
I remember one evening, having a small glass of wine with my mom and my grandma! It was nice. But I couldn’t stay long. They had told me to stay where they were staying at the hotel. But I couldn’t. After some time, I just wanted to go home to my bed and read, and be in my safe place of comfort that I had come to appreciate in the previous months of recovering. My mom, went outside. I noticed she was a bit quiet as she stepped out. I knew she seemed uneasy or not feeling well. I had seen her like this before.
After a few minutes of chatting, I said goodbye to my grandma. And then, I went outside. I saw my mom just walking back and forth in a small space near her parked rental car. I told her that I had to go home but that we would meet up the next morning. I remember in my head, trying to just keep positive to not reflect any negative thoughts or energy from my side. It’s challenging enough to have one mental health challenge in the same room, but two, or more?
She mentioned to me that she thought I shouldn’t go abroad and that I should leave California and just go back to Texas. She had previously expressed this sentiment before. I wasn’t trying to have this conversation. I knew what I was going to do and I was set on that. I had my own convictions for going abroad. But what made it complicated is that I saw my mom’s own challenges with attachment and expectations. This was tough for me to work through in my head. What to say? What to do? I couldn’t assume the reasons for my mom’s expressed emotions. I understood that we’re all different and unique in our minds and body and so therefore, the reasons for our mental health challenges can be different from each others’. I kind of felt that if I had told my mom anything different from what I truly felt and planned for, it would be a lie. And that lie would not only temporarily satisfy her, but it would be detrimental to me internally. And I didn’t want to jeopardize my own mental health at this point during my recovery.
I told her I had made my decision and that I was going to continue working towards that goal. My mom cried and also said that she was sorry for some past issues we had gone through together. And I told her that it was okay, because we had previously talked about it and I had forgiven those things and that I had peace from that. She continued to cry. I hugged my mom. She said I had to validate her feelings. At that moment, I wasn’t sure what she meant. So, I took it like she was demanding that I had to answer to something. I didn’t feel good at this moment about our conversation. I felt a little defensive and wanted to protect my boundary.
I looked at my mom, who with her tears in her eyes, seemed very, very down. I said, I don’t have to validate. I have to go home and sleep. It’s best that I go home and rest because it’s been my routine that I find helpful for myself. And I turned around and walked away. I didn’t really feel good about my mom crying and her not feeling well.
I felt like I had to be strong to go and get back to where I needed to be as selfish as that may seem. I felt like what she was going through seemed like she could get through it without me. Especially when I was just healing myself. I did not feel confident in myself to be of any help.
I believe this was the first conversation where I was actually helping myself hold up my boundary that was healthy for me. I felt sad for my mom but I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel guilty like I had previously felt in my past tough conversations with her about such things. I felt safe. And I felt hope. I felt hope for my mom. I felt hope that although I was just learning about how to consciously set a boundary for myself, I felt like this was a major step for me to manage my mental health.
I could definitely point to many times in my life where I did things and went along with situations even though I didn’t want to. During my recovery, I recognised my own limitations and learned how to prioritise my own mental health before helping others out. Setting boundaries is an important step in self care and protecting our mental health.
