VASUNDHARA PANDE • FEMALE • 20 • NEW DELHI
Dad, I hate you. I seriously do.
I wish you were dead before I was born.
I wish you never had the privilege to hold me in your arms
Or see me crying
Because you couldn’t handle me either way.
I wish I never saw your face – full of disgust and contempt
When you talked about my mother,
The woman you claimed to love.
Dad, I wish I never called you Dad,
Because that would be a disgrace to fatherhood.
I wish I didn’t have you in my life.
I wish I never saw you again,
And even if I do, I don’t want to see your ugly face.
I wish I never heard you speak,
Because your words were mistrusting, and so were you.
And dare if I hear from you again,
It would be you begging for my forgiveness.
But I wouldn’t forgive you,
Because we forgive mistakes, not betrayal!
I accept the reality of having you, an absent father.
A father who was neither there nor wanted to be.
And if and when he was, it was a disaster.
A father with whom I share my DNA, but no memories.
A father whom I hardly love,
Rather hate infinitely.
I wish I never met you, Dad.
I wish I hadn’t met you, Dad.
I wish my soul peace,
Something you failed to give me.
I hope you don’t have the privilege to hold me again, see me crying, or call yourself my father,
Because, Dad, I don’t deserve you.
I hope you die as soon as possible,
And I am not there to wave you goodbye,
Because you left my life before you left.
Maybe you were never really there,
And that still haunts me,
The paradox of your presence
As I grieve your absence,
As I lie on the floor, like a crumpled piece of paper- the way you viewed me
The way you used me.
Like me, may you never be left to pieces ‘May your soul find peace’,
Something you could never guarantee me
Even though you said you would…
How painful is it to be deceived by your own father?
And to find it in every man around me…
How would you know all of that?
Because you were never there
But your horror was
Even when you were, sometimes
Perhaps, I don’t know why you believed that you loved me
Dad, is love like this?
Meant to make you mistrustful
Or is it like you- absent?
Or is it like me- filled with pain?
It definitely is better than everything than this
But why don’t I see it?
Even though it is right there?
Because Dad this time you stand in between
Present and very much there,
Only to stop me from loving someone once again.
