From the very beginning of my life, I was a bit odd. I was antisocial most of the time, I loved to be in solitude. I never had a girlfriend, I wasn’t lucky enough. I was very naive, I used to easily trust others, and people took advantage of me in terms of favours and money. But when I needed help, I found no one in particular. Yet, everything was going well until I finished high school. I was into music and wanted to do something in the music industry, but as I am from India, I was skeptical of my dreams at that time. The possibilities have increased now, but during my childhood I had no chance. I was a boy, so I had to be an engineer. But this is all in the past now….
So I got admitted to an engineering college. All was well until my second year, when I was introduced to a world of addictions, especially cannabis. I started using it for fun, but soon I was fully addicted. I have done all the bad things possible due to my addiction. Drunk driving, drunk racing, messing with cops, driving without my license or any papers. As days were going by, I was getting worse. By the third year my condition became so bad that if my father hadn’t come to take me from there, I would have not have been able to write this now. I was forced to leave my college, but the story doesn’t end here…
I was at home now, but I still didn’t leave cannabis. I used cannabis daily because it was the only way I could escape pain and reality for a short period of time. I was only happy when I was high, so I used to get intoxicated very often. After a few months, I started hearing a voice in my head, a female voice. I thought it came from the building next to mine. Initially, I ignored the voice, but soon, I began talking to it. It was fun for some time, and after a few months I became addicted to the voice. I was communicating with the voice on a daily basis. But I never saw her, and I requested her to come see me in person. But she refused, and I accepted. I could only talk to the voice when I was high. After a while, I began having conversations with different voices in my head, and they all had one thing in common: they all liked her voice and each of my “personalities” would try to impress her in their own unique way, each had their own approach and abilities. But all of it was in my head only…
So usually, while using weed, I started talking to myself or with a totally new person. And as I got more high, I began to converse with five or six different persons, and the conversation would be sparkling to me. I later realised that I had the power of imitating personalities from the real world. I know that what I am saying is abnormal, but just hear me out. Suppose I am watching a movie I like, in which I admire a person, then I will implement his personality into myself, and similarly for people in real life. So in short, I played different personalities when I was high.
Then I was sent to rehab for six months, and when I came home, the first thing I wanted to hear was that voice. I consulted a psychiatrist and he told me that was a part of my illness. He termed it as auditory hallucinations, and it arose from schizophrenia. My family said that there was no one really there, and that I was hallucinating. I cried for the first time in a long time. I really wanted that voice to be real. It’s been nine years now that I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. But I still want to believe that there was someone. sometimes I look at the sky and wonder about the memories that I have with that voice and smile, because I would not trade those memories for all the money in the world…
But as of now, I am in a good condition and I have come to my senses that the voice was only in my head. I have learnt many lessons from my past experience. It has taught me few things: never do drugs; never ever take your life for granted; always believe in yourself; be optimistic; and always hope for the best in any situation.
