MOON • NON-BINARY • 25 • DELHI
Dealing with depression and anxiety without the mental health awareness that I have now was difficult, to say the least. This story is an attempt to share how self-acceptance and support from people around us can help us feel a little less alone in our struggles.
A little background…
My school years were like living in a protective bubble. I attended a rather strict convent school, and my parents, influenced by Delhi’s cautious atmosphere, kept me sheltered from the outside world. This environment shielded me from understanding both the real world and myself, as a young child. In school, there was no mention of mental health, and we had no counselor to lean on when things got tough. Psychology wasn’t even taught as a subject. Before college, I had no resources or knowledge to help me understand my mind.
When my bachelor’s began, things around me started changing, triggering emotions I couldn’t handle. This was when depression crept in, slowly taking everything good in me, crumpling it up, and throwing it away. It stole my ability to enjoy the things I used to love and to concentrate on anything. It stole my appetite and my sleep. I would stay up all night, go to college in the morning, and then nap for 2-3 hours once I was back home. My health got so bad that I had to get vitamin injections just to be able to stand without feeling dizzy. Depression made me a stranger to myself. I didn’t recognize who I had become, and the constant overthinking brought a pain that was hard to put into words. I remember times when my family and friends tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t muster any interest in their conversations. I was either on the verge of tears or already crying. I didn’t want them to feel disheartened by my inner turmoil, so I kept my pain to myself as much as possible.
But then, one fine day,
There came a moment when it felt as if I couldn’t go on. I had been crying in the bathroom, exhausted from feeling so terrible all the time and seeing myself in such a dark light. I decided to go and speak to my parents about how I felt. Summoning all the courage I had, I went to my father’s room. He was working on something, and as soon as I said, “Papa,” my voice cracked, and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I started crying like a child who had fallen on concrete and hurt her knee. My father was extremely worried and kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t have the energy to express the struggles I felt, so I kept saying, “Mujhe bas therapist se baat karni hai,” which translates to “I just want to talk to a therapist.” I remember shutting them down when they tried to tell me that everyone goes through this “phase” in their lives by just repeating this one line again and again. And I did get it. The first therapist I visited was terrible, but the fact that my parents arranged a therapist right the next day for me made me feel that I might just not be alone in this.
This was a time when my friends came through.
They had witnessed my struggles, as I had transformed into a different person within just a few months, and the change was evident. I shed 11 kgs in a single month due to my sleepless nights, lack of appetite, and long, aimless walks. My closest friends noticed and responded with unwavering support. They made active efforts to uplift my spirits and provide me with strength. When I attempted to isolate myself, they refused to let me sulk in my dim, solitary room, embracing the coldness. They brought me food when I admitted I hadn’t eaten, and they stood by my side when I needed to confront places that filled me with anxiety. One particularly dear friend went beyond mere suggestions and accompanied me to the hospital for my appointment with a new therapist. It was there that I began medication and started weekly therapy sessions. Having supportive friends at a time when I forgot who I was outside of my mental illnesses, truly helped me cope with all the thoughts and realities I was confronting alone.
Professors were willing to alter systems for my well-being.
I opened up to my professors about my mental health, and to my astonishment, they were incredibly understanding. They allowed me to leave early for my therapy sessions, extended deadlines for my assignments, and patiently explained class material outside of regular hours when I had to take time off due to my struggles. Some professors understood why I chose to stay in the library instead of going for a test on a day when I was fully prepared, and how the shivers of dread and exhaustion traveled through my body in those moments. I will forever carry with me the memory of Ruchi Ma’am comforting me outside a conference hall filled with department colleagues during a crucial event. Her support extended to checking in on me before exams and recognizing the anxiety and fears I faced.
This is a glimpse into my ongoing battle with mental illnesses. I’ve chosen to share these experiences because my path to recovery would have been utterly impossible without the unwavering social support I received from a select few. They recognized my struggles and went above and beyond, moving beyond the confines of societal norms to help me navigate the storm. Their actions made me believe that I was deserving of life and meaningful connections with those who had stood by me.
We humans are inherently social creatures, and even during my deliberate isolation, I found myself in need of others. The people in my life ensured that I never felt alone, consistently offering their presence and support, for which I’m so thankful. My journey with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) would have taken an entirely different course if I hadn’t had these individuals willing to chart an unconventional path for my well-being. Even today, 5 years later, I am fortunate to have built a support system that I can reach out to when things get overwhelming.
If you are someone who’s struggling, I just want you to know that it’s okay to rely on others. Sometimes it does take a village to raise an adult as well. If you happen to know someone grappling with similar challenges, please consider offering them the love, time, and support they require. Often, it’s this kind of support that guides us through the darkest of depressive episodes and emotional storms.
