Everyone in life goes through problems but some have more on their plate than others- I am one of those. I almost gave up all hope a number of times and seriously thought of ending it all too. But an undying faith in the supreme power is the only thing that sustained me and gave me hope. I also had the help & care of many good doctors, counselors, my family and the company of great friends who helped me in their own way. Some times, the belief that I saw in the eyes of others is what spurred me on.
I did my engineering degree from one of the top institutes in India and subsequently worked in top Indian companies and multinationals. However, during my days of undergraduate study, although I was seen as guy with high academic and athletic capabilities, I did not compete at all and avoided it altogether. I was generally an introvert and became even more withdrawn and was not interested in making friends. Though I managed a first division, and a good GRE score, I could not get financial aid in a US varsity as my performance in academics was not up to the mark. This meant giving up my US dreams which did depress me a lot.
I subsequently fell in the wrong company and experimented with drugs and alcohol.
Only my interest in Martial Arts and a hope based on the poem: “Invictus” by Henley kept me going. Incidentally this poem has been the greatest inspiration and source of strength for me- something I share with the great Nelson Mandela. I managed a brown belt in Karate and was a national level full contact karate fighter. I had some serious illnesses recurrently and a major bike accident around this time but I still walked on.
I worked for top of the line organizations which included leading Indian firms, an MNC, a leading technology organization etc in the management cadre with some distinction.
For some time, I managed to carry on, but then I had a breakdown and the employer was decent enough to give me leave without pay for what I said was to prepare for my MBA though I guess they knew the truth. I did not know what had happened to me – I was seeing and hearing people abuse and planning to kill me where no one else did. In my helplessness, I agreed to medication and my condition stabilized. Here I came in contact with my future lifelong pal-schizophrenia. Was this monstrous disease made even worse by the problems I faced earlier? These had ranged from a compound fracture of my leg in an accident, a broken jaw in a martial arts competition, failed relationships during my 20-40’s, a toxic environment at home and extremely severe cases of other illnesses.
After I came to know the diagnosis, my world was shattered and I fell into depression and required medication for that too. It was extremely difficult to accept.
However, I did not give up hope and studied for MBA entrance, I got through a decent institute.
After I joined MBA studies, I was doing really well in studies and medically. I was among the top students and was on very mild medication. However, due to advice of someone I was considering marriage; I discontinued my medication and had a relapse. A relapse is always worse than the earlier attack and this happened a month before final exams. The relationship too fell through making matters worse. Somehow, I managed to scrape through my MBA with a first division and also secured a lucrative job with an MNC based on my prior experience and education. I however could not tackle the stress and subsequently was in and out of many jobs.
One of the leading care givers gave me the valuable advice to make my career goals modest and not be too ambitious-this has greatly reduced the stress burden that I am obligated to carry. I have reconciled myself to take medication for the rest of my life.
Even after the onset of schizophrenia, I managed to get a Black Belt in Karate and taught it in 2 schools in South Delhi for over a year. I also learned Tai Chi and was an instructor in the academy for 2 years. Since I could not tackle a high stress corporate career and the fact that I was too highly qualified for regular jobs I faced many polite regrets. But as luck would have it, I was hired by a new friend that I made in an interview who believed in me to the extent that after 2 years of work with him he recommended me to his wife’s start up. Some years back I took on the challenge of doing a PG level course in Journalism & Mass Communication and a certification course in Digital Marketing and completed both with excellent marks. The next year I took on 3 more courses which I completed with excellent results too. I have become a full fledged marketing communications professional and have more than tripled my earnings and for the first time in many years, I filed my IT returns. That was six years back.
Through my interest in reading especially books on Self Help, Yoga, Buddhism and Zen, Silva Mind Control, Healing, Meditation, Martial Arts, Tai Chi & Qigong; I have experimented with various techniques to tackle my problem and gained valuable lessons which have really worked for me. My training in Martial Arts also gave me a tremendous amount of fortitude to bear and eventually overcome my problems. I have tried to understand my own mind and the problem especially the triggers and I avoid them to the extent possible.
Remember, life can change in an instant and gradual change is best. As long as you do not give up hope and are willing to fight, the right moments will reveal themselves. They say- Fire is the test of Gold, Adversity of Strong Men. I began by having compassion for myself and am now trying it for others. I also started a deep process of introspection starting from my actions to the feelings and am now trying to address the thoughts stage.
Life now looks good and I am highly optimistic. Though I can’t compare myself to my classmates who are now CEOs or GMs (at the least), they have not faced the demons that I had to face. I am happy and grateful to God for giving me the fortitude to tackle my problems. Everyone’s life is different-we can’t choose it but we can accept it and make the best of it.
I am now on a low maintenance dose of medication. I am working with a US multiple award winning startup on a regular basis. I am training to be a Tai Chi/Qigong instructor and have recently done an advanced course in Digital Marketing.
Though the future seems full of challenges, I am full of hope.
